Sexually Active Virgins

So in a pathetic attempt to trick myself into believing that i was a virgin and capable of working out, I went to virgin active and got some guest visit passes (the most important part of these passes is that they are FREE), don't let me fool you into thinking that it wasn't hard to do, they don't just throw those passes at anyone! I had to really turn up the American and vagina to get my pudgy little hands on them. I liked the idea of the only virgin title in my life being apart of my gym membership, so i felt rather determined (I mean at least to get them). But I had the nagging suspicion that these passes would end up like that other full gym access i won in a drawing about a year ago, completely unused. My suspicion later gave way to a certainty that I later used as an excuse to, yes in fact not ever use them. I passed that place everyday on the way to my hang out 'Europa Cafe' to order my usual latte and smoke my brains out, and by smoke my brains out, i mean very responsibly smoke 2 or 3 cigs.

I didn't feel incredibly guilty about it, especially because I was lying to my boyfriend everyday saying that i had gone and done a wide variety of fat burning activities. The lies help convince me that I had been productive and a virgin active member, unfortunately i think my body is immune to the placebo effect because despite not going and saying i did, i continued to gain weight. Placebo diet plans never work. (But I am working on a new and promising one, when i order coffee i quickly inform the barrista that i will say i want skim but they should give me whole. Then I loudly say "skim please!", my hips are never going to know what hit 'em)

Ok back to topic, although Virgin Active turned out to be a bust, I did get to meet a guy named Knowledge. He was really skinny with long dreaded braids and gave me so many guest passes I was nervous for the future of his job. Well turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because Knowledge could in fact tell the future! Or that is at least that's what he told me before he asked permission to hold my hand for a long period of time and peer in to my soul.

He said he saw a house by the ocean with a white picket fence, and there were people hang gliding, O M G besides everything being completely random and in no way tied to my life, passions, or past, I instantly thought *San Francisco!* People hang glided there! This guy was good. He started naming people, i think they were supposed to be people i knew or had a history with, some kind of tie, really any connection i think would have sufficed, because i personally don't know the reason behind just saying random names at people..... alex, paul, tom...... he was really throwing the whitest names in the book at me. I was so surprised he couldn't get even one, besides being able to read my soul and future he also had great odds considering the extensive list of the people i've dated. I also have 13 aunts and uncles and over 30 cousins, even for shooting in the dark i thought at least with me he'd have some luck. When i said that non of those names meant anything to me he informed me that he could go deeper, he wasn't really trying. I knew that had to be the only reason for the whole name confusion. Well I'm not one to stop a good thing, what did my soul have to hide? (except all my darkest and deepest secrets, but i thought he would be courteous enough to ask for permission before plunging into those) What did I have to loose? I mean this guy did work for Virgin Active, he had some credentials! He looked deeper and told me that he saw my bag falling, and someone that i might know or not know putting something in it, I replied "like a stalker?" it hasn't happened yet but I am sure that in my life time if anyone that I know or don't know puts something in my dropped purse for me to find, the first word on my lips will be ....Knowledge, you son of a bitch, you knew the whole time!

After our soul and future interpreting I started to notice that Knowledge was getting a little drunk, and smoking all my ciggs, those fortune tellers always know how to scam you ill tell you what. oh did i mention that he was keeping me company at Europa Cafe and i think playing hooky from his job. And by 'i think' i mean, I am almost positive, especially when he asked me to write a fake email pretending to be a business woman interested in opening memberships for the people that work for me. I mean he must of known that it would work right?? but i'm not a good liar, verbal or written, plagiarism all that shit English teachers dont let you do. Not to mention I would have to pretend to be successful and I thought that was kind of like tempting the fates for punishment. I didn't do it.

Besides the fake email and future readings, one other thing really bothered me about Knowledge. Some of the other fellas at the table were giving me compliments, you know that when you are the only girl in a room and actually talking and making eye contact with attention starved men, those are the most sincere compliments you can get! Either way, Knowledge turned to me and with all the god blessed honesty in his heart said "I'm sorry, it would never work between us, i like bigger girls" did I mention I WASN'T in the middle of trying to make him mine?? yeah! who cares that you are twice my age, drunk, work at virgin active, and have a baby, we wouldn't work because i am just not your type. Oh My God! Was he rejecting me!? Why is it that so many guys have the confidence to tell you that you aren't their type even when you are very obviously not hitting on them or the least bit interested. What sucks even more is that i had to take it all seriously like "oh yeah, that's great, no problem there, i guess ill just set my sights a little lower next time, thanks for letting me down softly". I hate feeding delusions that don't belong to me! Do you know how much it takes for my delusions to just survive? I don't got time for other peoples inside lies being said out loud. I couldn't be honest with him, but I would have loved to tell him the truth, that i could never date someone who can see the future and read my soul because 1. a woman deserves her mysteries, and 2. they could see how much of my baby weight i'm not going to be able to lose.

Blog Jealousy

So i just watched Julie & Julia that movie with Meryl Strepe about the cook and the woman writing a blog about cooking. It's a TRUE story and i am going to admit here and now that although i loved the movie (i was told "of course you do, you're a girl" - so i obviously recommend it to anyone with a vagina) FYI i'm going to ignore that male assumption for another ranty day so we can get to the most important part of this half bit poor excuse of a blog (sorry i didnt mean that), i suffered from some serious blog envy through out the entire movie! she wrote about cooking and she had tons and tons of followers! A god damn movie was dedicated to her! I don't want to sound ungrateful for my dedicated follower but i have to admit a little jealousy crept in, i mean her blog didn't seem so fucking great! I got irrational, and it wasn't like i could go throw a rock through her blogs window or burn her blog down! Fucking untouchable internet! I was so angry that i did something even worse, i went out and got drunk then verbally abused my blog when i got home. I said a lot of things i didn't mean and I might have been a little rough but that's what happens when you drink. I'm going to bloganger management classes now, and i really don't know when my blog will be able to trust me again, especially because this wasn't the first time. It's been a pattern, ever since i saw my sisters blog and one particular brilliant entry she did on beauty, fucking bitch. My poor blog never saw the storm coming. All I can say is that i am trying to change.

Bathroom intrusions ruin my concentration

I was sitting on the toilet, desperately trying to claw open a tampon which was obviously child proof - wtf this shouldn't take so long! - It was starting to be almost an exaggeration as the 5 min mark passed and I had still failed to break this seemingly impermeable seal, in the midst of my deadly concentration on the task at hand the door opened, and i was looking straight at a stranger's face who was around the age of 18 and most definitely a male. It was my roommate's cousin! What did i do? Did i respond how i always wanted to respond if the situation arose? with a CCC (calm cool collected) hello, or uh-oh? Nope, instead i reverted to my flight or fight instincts and found a more fitting reaction in 'OH MY GOD!!

Now i would be lying if I told you I didn't see it coming, I'd be lying if i said I didn't actually watch the door handle turn in such a slow motion fashion you'd think I had meant for this to happen all along. (I can be a pervert you know) but I must admit there was time to advert the disaster, and you know most of all, i really could have locked the door.

Explanation: My bf is a big pervert, so usually while i am on the toilet he will just stroll into the bathroom, I honestly think that he is trying to catch me pooping, i think he resents that i have so successfully hidden such bodily functions from him. His lack of respect for my privacy is what i am blaming for ruining/dulling my reflexes during this fateful moment. I honestly expected to look up and see my boyfriends cheeky little smile! Instead i was looking at the shock and disgust of an 18 year old boy! He will probably have unfortunate scarring images for many years to come. As he closed the door and said "oops" my lovely boyfriend kindly screamed "was she pooping!?" I told you hes been snooping! Well at least he knows how to break the ice right? I wouldn't leave the bathroom until they left. I was embawwwassed. On the bright side, if that damn tampon hadn't been such a fucking rubix cube, the poor boy could have really walked in on something even worse! and I really highly doubt Ill ever see him again, i mean besides in his nightmares.

Chain Male Damnation

I thought chain mail stopped after 8th grade, they were always a point of contention for me since the number of emails that I knew always seemed to be just under the required amount that would bring me a happier life. They used to promise cool things like your crush falling in love with you! or a really good first kiss!! Sure some would curse you with bad luck or when they weren't messing around the frightening threat of bad sex for life. But lucky me, now i have a boyfriend that sends me religious chain mail. Listen as far as i am concerned if Jesus will bless me after I send this email to * other people then Jesus should sure as hell be working on a blessed and dependable connection! I'd have to imagine he would be at some 24 hours coffee shop, or paying out the ass at some airport. Either way i don't think its fair that the fate of my soul will be decided on my internet connectivity. I mean has Jesus ever TRIED figuring out that whole router thing!?! It's almost impossible and completely frustrating. I mean he probably would have a heads up being Jesus and all, at least when calling his wireless company, i mean who would put Jesus on hold? But in all seriousness, I really wouldn't put anything past those people that work for Quest, heathens.

You are tall and stupid

"Wow you are really tall!" "Thank you!" THAT'S NOT A FUCKING COMPLIMENT! what the hell huh? if that's a fucking compliment then being short is not only an insult, it's a tragedy! I'm not complaining, i like myself just the way i am, but you could assume that i am saying that because, well, there is no way to change it so you might as well accept it right? like having a third breast, or an extra toe! I think my personality would be different. I think a lot of people forgive my sassy-ness, my obnoxious-ness, because i am barely at eye-height and how do you approach someone you cant see!? As I stomp around parties, running my mouth, swearing, and acting like i don't give a fuck, I get this a lot "god you are just a sassy little thing!" Ok thank you for thinking my inability to stay quiet is endearing and entertaining. I'm seen as spunky and feisty! And you know what, that is completely ok by me, how ever I can get away with more.

As much as i feel vertically challenged and my heart goes out to all those that feel stuck to a ground that is so much closer and easier to fall to, honestly I would never date a short boy, a short man if you know what i am talking about. As far as I am concerned we would be like a traveling circus show! two short freaks running around together, complimenting all those tallees stomping around.

Tyra Banks: at fault for losing the women's right to vote

I have no problem and I am actually extremely surprised I haven't written it before but an entire blog dedicated to Tyra Banks is YES completely necessary. I honestly feel like i could write a blog after every episode. The woman has officially lost her fucking mind! Or is a robot created by some secret male government agency (the man) designed to keep women dependent on dumb stinky men for the rest of their lives. Of course the men that Tyra puts on a pedastool are good looking and rich. She tries to teach women not to gold-dig ugly old men, but if they are attractive then you have hit the jack pot sista! I believe she actually had a workshop on how to correctly identify a man with money. Now thats a lesson you don't want to miss! I mean you might accidentally get with someone that can't buy you anything! Ewww

She is undoubtedly attempting to teach generations of women how to be the "perfect woman". You watch her shows and learn that you need a wardrobe change, you need to lose weight, men with money are good, and one should NEVER fart in-front of their boyfriend no matter how much time has passed! Its just not attractive ladies, so FUCKING hold it in!!!!!!! Or so says the wife of Howard Stern (She was apart of Tyra's panel of expert idiot judges who were answering all those big questions that we women, just for the life of us, can't seem to figure out!) I have so much fucking hatred in my heart after Mrs. Stern forbid all of the women in the crown to ever fart in-front of a man because it wasn't sexy. WTF is all i have to say! What is this the 1920s? Is the purpose behind everything i do, to attract a man? Where is my own life Mrs. stern? huh?? Haven't you ever seen that T-shirt "its all about me" well they also make that shirt in women sizes and i think it is perfectly acceptable to do things that aren't necessarily attractive but maybe comfortable! Its like sacrifice is synonymous with women. Well i say suck my big dick! cause that's fucked!

Sorry I am getting really vulgar here and I apologies. Seriously that farting comment just left me fuming the entire day! Because ill tell you what, if comfort-ability and being yourself isn't sacrificed, then you sacrifice you image as that "woman" that "whhattah woman" and some times i just don't know which way is up and what is worth more! Your individuality or your sex appeal! In this world they have a funny way of distinguishing the importance. sorry I didn't want to get all serious here, but it was just bound to because i truly believe Tyra is doing some detrimental damage to the women dumb enough to drink the kool-aid or feel the mythical "real" breast of the "real" Tyra banks who some time before she was a international supermodel at 16 managed to have all those real person life experiences that makes her so identifiable today. I mean seriously I have seen the woman try to identify with burn victims. This is getting to be a real problem.

Monkey in the house!

Now in my head, in my dreams, maybe just in my past, i would be completely overjoyed to see a monkey not only 5 feet away from me but in my house! In my mind that monkey would probably be walking across the room to get my pencil that dropped and quickly running back to give me a giant monkey hug. The actual situation was quite different. As i looked up from my computer and saw a monkey, in the house standing 5 feet away from me looking innocent as ever with a package of biscuits in it's cute little monkey fingers, i silently mouthed I'm sorry and started screaming "monkey in the house! monkey in the house!" my boyfriend was the first to run in and use me as a human shield. A defensive move that when it come to him i am no stranger to. Luckily our other friend ran to the room in protector mode and chased it out. It was exciting and scary, I think for everyone else it eventually became a menace when they broke in to the house several more times! While I didn't admit it, I continued to ponder through out the day various ways to have offered friendship or a life long bond which would force me to find a way to sneak my new monkey on the plane to return to America because at that point we wouldn't be able to be apart and my monkey would do anything for me. I figured it was neither the time or place but I also feel like maybe i lost my only chance!

MIC (monkey in crime)
That's what i need and have always wanted, a monkey in crime! a smart cute monkey that knows how to laugh and point, that way i can be sure that we are both laughing at the same thing.

DAmn those monkeys are ballsy, ps they have blue balls that look translucent, seriously you could get lost in those balls for days! These monkeys know how to party and lets face it, they are the only animal that really knows how to do business! All the animals were amazing to see but at times they were kinda boring, i mean come on compared to the coordinated dances i was used to seeing in the lion king, grazing really wasn't that impressive to me! But those monkeys, well they know how to take chances, plan attacks and play! my friend said that they sometimes break into the house if you forget to lock windows, they ruin the house he said, shit is just every where and they just get into everything. he said when he got home the refrigerator was rampaged! food was everywhere! apples, cereals, eggs, two minute noodles, can you believe it the monkeys had even made two minute noodles! they really are that easy to make!

10 secret desires

1. Get an entire bar of women to sing "girls just want to have fun"
2. Ride wild animals - Elephants, ostriches, lions, giraffes, I see them and think.......god i want to just ride you!
3. Become a foosball champion
4. have tons of cheetah print clothing and accessories
5. taste beggin' strips cause they smell sooo good!
6. hula hoop at international festivals and get paid
7. kill a man
8. win big at a casino, but without betting any money
9. become a comic writer but without writing a script and facing possible rejection and failure
10. to have ten more secret desires!

Boys just wanna have fun! (South africa thoughts)

I love hanging out with boys but sometimes moments come when you know that you just are very different from them. I had one of these moments in Mabula when my boyfriend picked up some small animals pellet poop, put them in his mouth and then proceeded to spit them at me. His friends joined in to have the contest of who could spit them the farthest, this was obviously not the first time occurrence of such a contest. Whats with boys and putting poo in their mouth?? i just don't know if i would be able to convince my girlfriends to put poo in their mouth and spit it a non impressive distance just for the sake of competition..... but maybe i just have never tried!

Look don't get me wrong i send mad props to my boys but i do harbor the secret or rather vocal desire that women could take over the world and break the wills of all men, ok maybe that was a little strong. But seriously i just think that us girls should have each others backs WAY more! Guys, ill tell you what! they fucking LOVE each other! its almost disgusting, sometimes depending on my mood watching guys get along so easily is almost as irritating as watching my boyfriend sleep (seriously it bothers the fuck out of me) his little male brain just switches off the single thought that he has and he just twitches off to sleep. super annoying.

I hang out with mostly boys because lets face it boys know how to chill. I have decided its because women have priorities, they have things to do, they cant just let a drop by turn into a movie and then a BBQ and then maybe a game of Bball i mean com'on i just named like 6 different outfit changes! Girls always have something to do! cant keep the woman down! no but seriously they dont know how to waste time like a man. im not sure if it is a good or bad thing especially because i fall on the side of time waster procrastinator masturbator but i just have to appreciate how many group activities they all participate in! and it seems very healthy as well! I mean way better then a night inhaling toxic nail polish fumes and suffering from the brain damaged caused by one of the violent pillow fights! not to mention the junk food!!! (sticks and sticks of butter!) Boys play sports! start fires, go on missions, plan camping trips (sure they dont have the organization of a woman but at least they are out there roughing it up!) ok i know i am wwayyyyyyyyyyy generalizing right now but i am just saying the exaggerated opinions i have formed by hanging out continuously with majority of boys.

Some times i like to trick the boys i hang with into admitting they actually are sexist machismo men. I joke around a lot with stupid questions that maybe make you laugh, think, vomit, or wonder what kind of child abuse i suffered, but one of them that i believe is very telling is the innocent enough question “if you could take one right away from women what would it be?” ooooooooh and you cant imagine the responses i have had! its almost become a study. Some people say that i am opening a can of beans with worms in it with that question, but i want to know why men are so protected. I mean we women are blamed for everything we do and say, i mean come'on sexual harassment is our fault right? It's like with this question, boys are allowed to think however they want, and if you are going to be offended then you shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. If you didn't want some guy to inappropriately spank you in the work place then you shouldn't wear jeans that show off your perfect ass, right?! that's bullshit. Men get the "get out of jail" care way to freely. Well, we have some boys that don't even hesitate breath or blink before the say something like..... to vote, to leave the house, then some actually will take the time to think or even rethink and give a second answer! that's when we get the real dirt! “to speak!, to think” that's right women mystery uncovered men don't really want us to have any rights at all! they are assholes!!! i always suspected as much so really at this point i just like to see who can come up with a clever witty response and then reflect on how it demonstrates how big of an asshole they actually are. and guess what, they all are.

A good game of Kickball!

Let me set the scene, i'm in 4th grade and barely hitting 4 feet, i'm short, puny and i have a boys haircut (thanks mom - sure that seemed like a real good idea after we saw 'My Girl' and i was suffering from the delusional pain of getting my ears pierced!) That boys hair cut ruined so many years of my life! I still cant forget when that bitch Jackqueline told me that she wouldn't let me off the bus until i showed her my penis (the little pervert!) I did later thank my lioness mother that came on the bus and scared the shit out of that little bitch! You show her mom! Either way where was I? Oh yeah I am weak, short and standing in the great line of shame. I am sure all of you or at least i hope some of you understand what it was like in 4th grade during recess and the best thing to play was kickball!!! and the fear you experienced when the two best kick-ballers stood up as captains and began that embarrassing process for some of us by hand picking their team. It was always two boys wasn't it? fucking men per usual! I hated standing in that fucking line because i knew that i was bound to be picked last and it was unbearably embarrassing to stand there and hope for your name to be called but remain disappointed after you heard every name but yours! Now this time i'm not 10, i'm actually 22 and standing in a tennis court where my boyfriend and his friends are playing 4 on 4 soccer. The scene is a little different but the line of shame hasn't changed a fucking bit. I remember when i was younger i would cleverly strike a deal with one of my stronger more "picked" friends and create a packaged deal, you take her you take me! Many of my problems during kickball were solved in this fashion but i had the slight worry that one of my bf's friends wouldn't appreciate my arm locking and forced pairing.

Women think more then men, that is a broad generalization i will make from the personal fact that i think more then my bf, not in a mean way but just in the way that my mom has taught me that every grunt, look, head movement can be interpreted and possibly be a sign of attitude "hmmf" "what does that mean?" "nothing! i didn't mean anything by it!" "ok fine" "well wtf does 'ok fine' mean?" "nothing! i wasn't saying anything!" and so on and so on. I have become her! and to me actions mean something but my boyfriend just operates on pure boy rational that is, lets be serious, usually insensitive and dumb! But it is hard to blame them for something that their feeble minds aren't capable of grasping! I think gaz prides himself on treating me like on of the guys, his best friend, but i also think that is a really clever excuse for getting him out of trouble for not giving me the special attention that I want!

We had gone over to our friends house because the boys had organized a soccer game. Oooo i should probably make a small insert that in the morning I had dared to put on my boyfriends pants and proceeded to get ready to leave the house, i think the boy had a tiny male heart attack when he saw me in them, what are you doing he asked me. What? I knew this was gonna be a good one so i tried to play my cards right, they are comfortable! arent we roommates baby? cant we share clothes?? I don't really know what the whole hubba baloo was about! he used to be so chilled in the united states and here i can tell he is a lot more self-conscious about what other people think and a lot more embarrassed if i choose to wear something out that is a little less conventional, lets say for example a onesy pink fleece suit! Take them off he insisted! WEll ladies i'll tell you right now HEEEEeeeellll no if he thinks a man is going to tell me what to wear. I fitted my belt on to give the visual sign that the pants were here to stay and this would be a loosing battle for him. I was wearing those fucking jeans whether he liked it or not! jackie! And i think they looked good! So we went over to his friends house and i had agreed to bringing my sporty wear, a sports bra, my trainers, some running shorts (all barely used).

When we got there I watched the boys play and thought mmmmm nope boys are sooo competitive and usually really rough judges when girls join their super cool sporty play date, they act like they want you to play but they really don't (or so i usually think). The girls next to me look like they had no delusional ideas about joining the game, one of them was wearing pleather stiletto boots that went up to her knees (really not conducive with soccer) Ill tell you right now that what my bf wants he gets! he insisted and insisted! I HAD to play! I made him come to the bathroom with me cause i was suuuper nervous! I hadn't played soccer in 5 years and things were bound to be bad! I secretly thought this was either a ploy to get me to work out or a desperate attempt to get me out of his jeans! As i walked out onto the court I got more and more nervous! i was having flashbacks of 4th grade kickball games! OH the Shame!! As captains were picked, my boy friend and another, i immediately thought *ok he's my boyfriend, he knows i am nervous, he has forced his friends to let me play he will definitely no matter what pick me first, i mean com'on we are sleeping together, that has to count for something!* with that confidence I knew immediately that I was wrong. As quickly as this thought had hit me and assured me, it left. I knew that what ever i thought, he would most certainly do the complete opposite because he is a HUGE doofus! (there was still a small part that hoped i was wrong) but that also quickly died inside when he screamed out the first name "DAZ!" WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! this jackass forced me to play, pressured me on to the field, KNEW how nervous i was and didn't pick me first! WTF!!!!!!!!!!! he didnt pick me 2nd or 3rd or 4th. I felt as if my fourth grade bull cut was showing again! in the end i was on his team by default and for some reason he thought that was a really nice thing for me! After i screamed and hassled him for the rest of the game i actually had a great time and do feel slightly lucky to have a bf that motivates me and pressures me to put myself outside my comfort zone. I had a great time playing! and i know i would have been very bored and discontent if i hadn't! But this DOES NOT! excuse him for not picking me first!!!

He knew he was in for it, but god bless his soul he thought he had a good excuse! Gaz once gave me a would you rather *if in a fight with your girlfriend would you let her punch you in the face to solve it, if it also meant you didn't have to talk about it, would you take the punch?* It wasn't very well hidden that this was how he felt during fights with me! women are from Venus and men are shit stains. Ok ill admit i took advantage, i saw the opportunity and i grabbed it. I confronted him standing besides a huge dog house. It was funny and had context because he had one time asked me if he was in the dog box? and he probably was.... I told him that i would forgive him and we could drop it if he crawled inside the dog house and barked like the dog he was. This was his punch in the face as far as he was concerned and decided quickly that it was well worth it to not hear me give him a talking to. He climbed all the way in, stuck his head out and barked like a dog. Retribution paid right? yeah right i am a woman retribution is always times 2. i quickly dropped to my knees and held him in the box (it was physically rather easy because of the only exit small door that i was kneeling in front of) he knew it was over. I then and there also gave him a talking to! What can i say i like to have my cake and eat it too! it wasn't very fair i know but he fell for it!
"You knew i was nervous! how could you do this!" "baby nooooo you said we wouldn't have to talk about it!! i'm in the dog box, i am in the dog box!!! "shut up! what is wrong with you!! how could you not pick me first!" "But baby i wanted a good team!" "Yeah so what you forced me to play! how could you NOT pick me first!?" "baby i knew you weren't confident! and i didn't want someone who wasn't confident on my team! i thought it would affect your playing!" AHHHHHHHHH at least he is honest! "say you're sorry! say i am right" "you're right, you're right!" when i felt he had enough i let him out of the dog house. It was sweet sweet poetic revenge. He better think again next time before he picks me last, now who do you think wears the pants and holds the leash in this relationship!

Sneaky Snacking

So i think you can gather that sharing and my hatred for it is still a huge part of my life. We just have a funny thing with food him and I. Not only has our relationship always represented a not so verbal contract to share everything i also am not allowed to snack! It's like i live in a real life food chain. I can't eat food on my own and when i can finally eat, i must share it with him! I didn't sign up for this! I have developed a habit to solve both these problems and i call it sneaky snacking (it can also be mistaken for gluttony). Sneaky snacking is when you take the seldom opportunity to eat something delicious without your significant other finding out, a lot of the times it just looks like you are shoving your face in the corner of the kitchen while suffering from an attack of paranoia but its a really effective protection against sharing and against that weird thing your bf does when he counts how many portions of the food you have had. With sneaky snacking, that cookie will look like your 2nd when its actually your 4th and you can feign satisfactions with just a little! Genius! I actually can't claim to be the originator because upon reflecting on my childhood i now clearly remember my mother practicing it well. While at the time i didn't know what all the secrecy was about, I will say that i now can completely understand why i found my mom so many times in a dark kitchen eating the last of the chocolate chip brownies, or all those times i knew she was locking herself in the bathroom to eat chocolates. It now makes so much sense to me and i can completely identify and understand how a woman can be forced into the secret food binge (the underground food train, is that appropriate? i think i have been in SA too long)!

I'm reminded of a story that my father never seem to let my mom forget: in Italy my mother was in-charge of getting things from the bakery (that's entrapment dad and its illegal). While walking back she decided to eat something chocolaty on the street corner (maybe so he wouldn't guilt trip her for it, maybe so she wouldn't have to share, maybe just to have a moment all for herself, i don't know mom they all seem like great and understandable reasons to me!), her fatal mistake was doing her secret snacking so close to home. My creepy father was at the window and saw the entire thing. While i think I am a rather good SS (secret snacker) it's extremely difficult to hide it from the born naggers such as my father and my bf. I have also made the same blunder that my poor mother made on that fateful corner in Italy.

A couple of weeks ago, I took the opportunity to grab a handful of frosted flakes while my boyfriend was in the bathroom. Lets just ignore the fact that when picking out the cereal he had told me in a "we are at Tiffanys" kind of way to pick out anything I wanted! I grabbed the frosted flakes under the naive pretense that i would be able to consume them freely! well i quickly learned that was a no no, and that's why in this story i am already SSing with them. I heard the bathroom door open and in a last pathetic attempt to complete my SS i shoved the entire handful into my mouth! I was sitting on the bed with 2 other friends, he entered the room and i thought cleverly if i didn't look at him he wouldn't see me chewing and i would be able to pull the whole thing off! My head was turned the other way and I was desperately trying to swallow those frosties before the gig was up, tragically i didn't have nearly enough saliva, not by a long shot! But it didn't matter, that mother fucker knew immediately!!! i mean immediately! "what are you eating? Jamal??" I couldn't answer because i was diligently working on destroying the evidence in my mouth. I wasn't quick enough. He ran across the room and grabbed my head, pinching my cheeks and forced me to show him the delicious frosties hiding in my mouth. Caught frosted handed! he's like a god damn parole officer with that shit! It just means we need to get sneakier, more cut throat! I think i'll try that bathroom lockin idea next time!

Still serving and sharing

I had almost gotten away with it, i had almost successfully eaten a delicious sandwich that i had made for myself. I had almost managed to eat the whole thing with out sacrificing a single bite to the food god that is my boyfriend. And then............. yummmmmmmmmm I stupidly let out the satisfied sound that follows a delicious bite. he was like an attack guard, i mean his ears perked and everything! I saw it in his eyes, it was all over, i started slowly turning to protect the sandwich through means of obstruction, but ill tell you immediately a good physical protective stance wont do anything against a "baby pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase, just one!" FuCK it wasn't enough that i had made both our sandwiches, that he was going to leave in 2 seconds, and i would have to clean up everything on top of it, nope he just HAD to have a bit of my sandwich as well! ! Lets just ignore the fact that the piggy inhaled his sandwich without a single thought to me. But what he wants he gets! Bite gone, bf gone, resentment towards sharing, here to stay! It was my own fault, if only 3 types of melted cheese with grilled mushrooms didnt make me say Yummmmm! I would have gotten away with it! Damn it all!

Future Pondering

When I was young, about 8-9, the devil himself asked me where I envisioned myself in 20 years and asked me to draw a picture, he wasn't too happy when I took the easy way out and drew a gravestone. (Maybe i was confused but i thought that was just the type of thing the devil would love!) I thought it was rather clever and no one else had been so ballsy or creative enough to find the easy way out of drawing a self-portrait of themselves in a future that was a little hard to grasp for their 9 year old minds, oh did i mention that the devil at the time was cleverly posing as my third grade teacher Mrs. Barnes. He relentlessly tortured me at the time, until i developed an embarrassing nervous habit where i would burp and vomit (just a little) into my mouth. It was only after various tests, that would make me hate yogurt for years, did we all realize it was just my fragile 9 year old nerves being ripped and diced by a woman 10 times my age (i can only assume that bitch was pushing 100 and wouldn't be torturing more kids in the years to come).

While now in retrospect I really didn't or want to be a gravestone or in a grave, (i want to be cremated) I still admire my young sassy-ness and lack of fear in the face of death! Oh well this wasnt really what I was aiming to talk about but its a little bit of history for you. This blog is more about my plan to do excessive drugs when i am old and useless. I think a lot of people make plans for when they will be old wrinkled and deemed embarrassing by their family. I think its an easier future to envision rather then the immediate, which i still have no fucking clue! I like to believe that we all do this. Plan old age rather then everything in between. My aunt is planning who's going to wipe her ass, my mom has made me promise to suffocate her with a pillow, and i personally want to do copious amounts of drugs. Imagining you are not shocked by my last statement lets rewind to the two other odd statements made by the other women in my family that obviously have a similar warped mindset about old age and dramatic ideas about life in general.

Since a young age, I have had two aunts that i adore to the point of combustion! So imagine all this love that i have in my heart for these two and the fragility of my heart when one of the two psychos would tell me at 10 years old that they had a good life, they were happy, and they wouldn't want me to be upset if they died that day. Well I am 10 and they have 5 year old daughter so you can only imagine the calmness with which i responded to these completely illogical sign offs. My other aunt seemed overly and irrationally concerned about who would be wiping her ass when she got older. Maybe when I get a little older and i have my first shit in my pants scare these worries won't seem so irrational but i think she had obviously recently or maybe at a young age been scarred with a memory of someone shitting themselves and not having anyone around to clean up after the stinky and embarrassing mess. It quickly became a huge preoccupation of hers as the years passed. I think I quelled many of her fears by assuring her that if all else failed I would be there to pick up the feces pieces :). My mom, to finish of the 3 musketeers in the nutbar house (i know 3 musketeers dont have nuts but i don't care i like them and they are delicious) has made me continuously promise from a young age to suffocate her with a pillow when she got old and......old. *shudder* I reminded her of this and she actually began to remind me that i HAD promised. While now i feel a little bit more emotionally prepared and lets say after 22 years in the nut house, a little bit more inclined (just joking! love you mom) i really think she should have second guessed the decision of making a death promise with her 10 year old daughter, i mean jesus mom! i have already been scarred by your two other sisters, one promising to die in the near future and the other who which i am hoping will have healthy bowel movement her entire life, gimme a break!

I think these ladies are being very very negative and pessimistic, I have decided to have a much brighter outlook, or you could say a much more psychedelic outlook! i think it would be really cool to TRIP BALLS in my old age. I mean don't get me wrong drugs are bad. but really aren't they only bad when you have a full life ahead of you and a developing brain?? When you are old your life is winding down and lets face it your brain is rotting. I want to eat magical mushrooms, drop acid, snort the coke! Of course my poor grandchildren will all be drug dealers pedaling for their nanny but at least ill be able to end my days in peace, maybe not the light kiss of a pillow over my face that my mom envisions but a quiet drug induced haven of my own. And i think we all deserve that don't you? Whats your old age plan?

*Can i just say that i will end my days as a druggy after i have been (knock on wood) a really successful caring grandma that rubs your head and sews your clothes. Trust me when they don't want their mom they wont want me and that's when i am taking a left into the gateway of drugs.

Sometimes you are lying in shit

I have an active imagination but i also have a dedication to in-activeness. I am 22 and at this age I know better then to act on many ideas that pass through my head. On my road trip to port Elizabeth, one of my companions unfortunately had not yet built up his immunity against his imagination adventures and certainly not against mine! it was hook, line, and sinker the moment i set the scene. As Daz went to go pee on the side of the road I said to Craig "What if we turned around and Daz wasn't there!" (like a scarrrwy murder scene!) "AhHH he screamed you are so right, this is the perfect scene out of a scary movie!, lets take pictures!" I already told you that i knew better so at 5 o'clock in the morning i let Craig leap out of the car and organize those photos all on his own. I sat in the back seat, comfortable and surrounded by pillows screaming out directions and creative critique. "Turn around, lay face down so you really look like your dead" Some fotos were taken and then I was quickly reminded why i have learned to take the lazy way out of these specific play scenarios. Craig jumped up and started smelling himself oddly "oh my god, i smell like shit!, I think i was lying in shit!" And he was in fact lying in shit (what we believed to be piles of human feces sunning on the side of the road) "Marosi! Why did you make me lie in shit!!" Oh yeah now it was all my fault! I was warm and safe in the car but obviously responsible for his inexperience in imagination land! No one forced him to jump out of the car and start directing a god damn horror scene! And I am soooooorrry if I was just trying to make that scene better by being a good director and then sometime in the middle of it he rolled in shit. I refuse to apologies because it was toooooo funny! Thank you fellow road tripper who decided to let one go on the side of the road, maybe at a moment of desperation, thank you!

Love
Justine

Righteous Flushing

*ex-claimer: if you don't want to read a completely inexcusable amount of words dedicated to poop and toilets then just go to the next blog and keep your judgments for when a similar thing happens to you!

*seriously DO NOT READ this if you think poop is weird!

Sometimes i think i am just a rebel, waiting to rebel, in a really rebellious fashion! Whenever i feel like this I like to go to public bathrooms, not lock the door while i am in there cause i like the danger and then my rebellious side takes a BIG shit and doesn't flush! HA surprise bitches! aren't you confused??? By the way i am not joking but I am imagining what the people that actually do that are thinking. This is one scenario i have come up with. Obviously i have just experienced the confusing surprise of finding a huge turd in the public bathroom. It hit me hard because it was in the first stall (the one I always use) and it forced me to use another foreign stall which felt all wrong under my gentle beHind but it also gave me the time to contemplate that huge turd next door (which I knew immediately would be great blogging material, because NOTHING is funnier then poop) So back to contemplation. I dont think i have to mention that i was in the female bathroom because i myself am in fact a female. I know you are shocked in the first place that women could make stinkys in such a fashion. But lets really think about this so we have a couple of options, but lets be real detectives.

On a side note when i was younger and oddly enough watching silence of the lambs by myself (nice movie choice mom and dad) a strong part of me thought i could grow up to be a detective! I mean a strong part of me, strong enough to research the options and process. I looked up becoming a detective, getting into the FBI, I watched law and order, i mean i felt completely prepared as a 14 year old girl to stop any sadistic serial killer in my way. When I realized i would have to be a cop for 5 years first i quickly put the idea to rest (despite the fact that i love donuts but that could just be a cop stereotype i dont know). And now as a 22 year old i can't imagine putting myself in that kind of danger! Having a gun and also using it on people! Basically i have just become a lazy pussy whose only use of the word detective is involved in a poop investigation, dangerous? maybe, yeah! what if someone found me looking at it and thought i was a freak! risky? sure dealing with poo always is, life threatening? hell yeah! i could fall into the toilet and contract some disease! or maybe the stall i am forced to use is harboring a murderer i dont know i'm not a trained detective so i am not really licensed to asses most of these things BUT i was a trained janitor for about 3 months so i think i DO have expertise in other areas that will really help us with this long debated mystery of the mystery poopoo. So lets get back to the case and cold facts. so it could be a couple of things

1. Rebellion : the person wants the shock factor, although they will never be around to see the reaction, they get off on the idea that some one is shocked and disgusted (i was a janitor and i truly believe this occurs on a daily basis)
2. A big stinky man snuck into the bathroom, spent 5 hours on the toilet with a picture book of his choice (cause lets face it they take forever like they are creating a new universe of feces!) then he made a big doody to ruin and stain the beautiful reputation of women everywhere who hide so well this specific bodily function. It probably just rubbed him the wrong way, you know the way women pretend not to poo and he just decided enough was enough and this was the only thing to do about it. It was obviously a suicide mission because if someone as clever as I investigated, the whole jist would be up, especially if they could do that crazy dna stuff and trace it back to him. sad suicide.
3. Maybe the poo took such a long time to complete, that in the end, the relief of birthing such a log was so great that they just completely forgot to flush. A simple innocent mistake, a flight of the mind, a distracted moment that left another in shock and fear, its ok ladies, it happens!!!!
4. It is possible that in the middle of the biggest shit of their life the person in question got a fone call for the job opportunity of a life time! Lets say KFC was hiring and you know for a fact that you get to bring a bucket of chicken home every night. You also know that first impressions are key and that you could possible shit on this incredible opportunity just as you shit in the toilet if your possible new boss hears the career ending sound of a toilet flush. So you run out of the bathroom because the echo will also surely give your disgusting human bodily functions away you dirty filthy pig of a woman. Innocent yes, malicious not at all, does it happen to everyone? certainly! forgivable definitely!
5. The janitor did it! In the first stall! With the candle stick! (it did smell of hatred and resentment) and if that's the case Good for you!
6. the perpetrator could likely just be a big fucking weirdo and not give a fuck (which is suuuuuuper rebellious!), do these people exist?? yes everywhere!

So as I thought and thought about all of this I realized there was only one thing to do. I finished taking my own poo (not really, i am classier than that, i don't poo), I FLUSHED, and then i pulled my pants up, lifted my chin up high, and flushed the first stall toilet. And as far as I am concerned Good deed done for the day! Take that you shock pervert!

Areview of Blogging

Reading back on my blogs at 6 o'clock in the evening, not pathetic at all!

Blogging while making me fat also helps me love the non fat parts of me. Sure i have tons of things to do, organize, plan, and hate random things but whats more fun then traveling time and reading all my hilarious commentary on my not so hilarious life! I really hope the standards haven't dropped but I am starting to think that my blogs started with a bang and are ending with....... not a bang, don't get excited i am not done whatsoever! I'm just taking the time to compliment myself for some hilarious ass shit when i first started blogging and i want to make a sincere apology, i have noticed my blogs becoming more story like, i want to apologies for losing the real motive and purpose of my blogs, to mock people and their beliefs! not to mention their style! HEllo!!

On that note I think square toes with collared shirts are trashy and promise trouble along with lots of hair gel!

I HATE boy's night

I think when your boyfriend's perfect woman is Pamela Anderson, you know that you have some big breasts to fill and then claim that you took the implants out, basically, you know you are in big trouble......

I miss you sooo much. me too sweet heart me too! i swear i cheers every shot to you! ok so when will you get me from the airport? .................... ummmm well sweetheart, thursday is actually a boys night......... I HATE BOYS NIGHT! I hate this night among many others ranging from ......... ok fine just boys night! First off here in SA I am probably the only girl that any of these boys hang out with! its boys night every night plus one! On the airplane from cape town to Joburg where my roommate was waiting for me instead of my boyfriend i attempted to make a list of 10 things i hate about boys night and I couldn't get past circle jerks and high fives that i imagined occurring frequently through out the night. Most of the list was speculation but there is one thing we can all be sure of............. strip clubs. and that means vaHinas and breasts. Neither of which personally belong to me which means my boyfriend should most certainly not be looking at them!!!!! Most of my suspicions were right and confirmed by the sly little drunken smile my sweetie could not hide for the life of him. Through out the night i had been texting him various things from cock face to gay lord, to wishing him a good seat in the circle jerk, non of which deserved a response in his mind. I was told by his friend that his fone was left in the car. Another sly little smile told me that was a complete lie and i would be castrating his friend the next morning for lying to me. Sadly my anger usually dissipates when i can predict everything, call him on it, and realize i can at least guilt trip him for the next month or so. And secretly I cared but i didn't and was more than happy to hear that he was one of the few that didn't get a lap dance. Have i lost a battle for women everywhere by being so content with so little? or am i just that cool of a girlfriend? probably the losing battle one huh? I told him that i would exact my revenge and he told me that he wouldn't mind if i had gone to a males stip club, yes that is exactly what would even out the odds, all i need every once and a while it to go to a male strip club and watch some random guys penis flop around, maybe if i am lucky he'll rub his wrinkeld balls in my face (oh the joy), which lets face it balls are ugly and i dont know how guys got to be soooooo proud of them! not to mention i never liked the song its raining men so i really dont think it bodes well for me.

I am also a little ashamed to admit that for a second i felt bad for the boys, when one of my friends said in the most innocent way possible "they are just so nice! and they make me feel so good about myself" i actually felt bad! like these poor little boys just want a girl to be nice to them while simaltaniously rubbing their genitals in their face. That's all they really waaaaant! some genitaallllls, when the night is done oh boy just want a nice striiipper oh boys! (i'm singing to the tune of girls just want to have fun just in case you can't tell) I'll be honest, I'm not particularly nice to guys when i go out, i mean i'm definitely not as nice as a stripper, especially if they don't buy me a drink, and it probably would take a couple of those drinks for me to decide to be so nice to them and on top of that rub my genitals in their face, so really the strip club is the only place for many of these young men to go just to gain some confidence to deal with all us mean girls out at the club! Good job strippers! make those guys feel great! you are doing a service for all of us! cause god knows i don't want to be nice to nearly anyone! so thank you and just keep doing what you are doing! just stay away from my boyfriend you dirty whores.

*just for the record I don't even like that word but i thought it was a funny conclusion, this is why i'd like to create characters for which i wouldnt be held responsible!

My Lady Gaga tour

So I just got back from a couple of days in cape town and boy did i LOVE it! say it with me Pu Bl IC Trans POR TaTion!!! not to mention sidewalks! I was in heaven! in the middle of the city there is a giant mountain which they call table mountain, personally i think they could have thought of a more inventive name but who am i to judge or name mountains! While tons of exciting things happen I want to first mention how in cape town oddly enough another homeless and slightly feminine man (and by slightly i mean his name was kelly and he told me he looked good when he had his teeth, weave, and breasts in) asked me if I was lady gaga! While now i am getting a little self-conscious because while i know i am def fabulous, i think its cause i have a big nose, i also now wonder if maybe these slightly mental homeless men have a way of communicating, maybe like a secret blog network where they talk about possible celebrity sightings which i am sure in their world happen much more often! I thought this homeless man was also saying i looked like kelly osburn and i was about to flip but then i realized he was introducing himself AS kelly osburn! what luck! Kelly lost a lot of weight! along with her 4 front teeth! now put that on a reality show!

24 hours of daytime television

Well the world cup is over and already back to reality. Can you feel it?? its gone! no more soccer games now its back to the real shows that staple south african tv, soap operas. soap operas 24 hours a day. I know you are probably wondering what am I doing watching television at all hours of the day but Ill tell you straight away my life has been fortunate enough that i havent had that daily reminder which i had in beginning that the 4 channels that i have in my house play soaps 24 hours a day. It's only now that the world cup is over am I again aware of this severe Television flaw. I mean i get it, in america day time television is usually chock full of soaps but thats because its for house wives and the unemployed that need a more exciting life. But why the fuck are their 4 channels of soaps at 7 oclock at night?? I mean hello this is prime time tv, where is law and order? the simpsons, fuck even the knews, but nope here i am watching the bold and the beautiful! only because the other soaps have substitles.

ooo lucky me the news! just watching the south african news where one of the more important things to report on was an octopus that predicted the outcomes of the games.......are people fucking dumb? what the fuck does an octopus care about soccer!? does he have 8 legs or 8 hands??and how the fuck does he predict the future? once that octopus explains off sides to me then maybe ill start buying it. oh and on an ending note i think we should petition the name of octopi, cause lets face it it is way more fun to say octopuses and the government knows that! or what ever secret society wrote the dictionary, fucking webster thought he was god and that ain't right. ok yeap news is over and its back to the soaps!

My two cents on two pieces

Whats better then talking about tv while watching it, this is when i really miss company, so whats the second best thing?? writing down the very critical commentary that i have a duty to release into the world! I am watching survivor, first off what the fuck!? congratulations you are privileged enough to be part of a show that provides you with the stimulation of suffering and surviving through a make believe competition. and you get to pretend its the most important thing in the world while ignoring the entire world. beside the weird human nature that presents itself during these reality shows i have a much more important question, even besides wondering how the fuck all these women have six packs, and why the fuck they seem like they have never graduated highschool, my big question is why do these women do these challenges in two pieces?? i barley feel comfortable lounging in my two piece much less wrestling in water for giant bean bags. not to mention are they allowed to shave on survivor??

I just don't know why women reject the one piece! Look i love the flab on my stomach getting tan more than most but i also wont deny the convenience and comfort-ability of the one piece! At least in a very physical competition like survivor!

Maybe i am too self-conscious, congratulations to these women for making it their second skin. In mebula the boys wanted to go swimming, i sat and read my book, silently fuming at the ease at which men could do somethings, like take their shirt off, pee standing up, fart, and instantly go swimming. they kept yelling com'on justine jump in! I felt bad and eventually explained..... "guys guys its not as easy for me as it is for you. I cant just take my shirt off, scratch my balls and jump in! I have to go to the bath room, get changed, worry about how i look and wonder if i am showing those 6 beers i just drank, then i have to check my top constantly to make sure my nipple isn't popping out for a show, or wanting to say hi, and my breast aren't swinging around, knocking someones teeth out, then lastly ill have to go to the bathroom and awkwardly change trying not to touch the walls with my bare ass just so i wont get a yeast infection from my wet suit. or at least that's what my mother has always told me. Man i bet all those girls on survivor have yeast infections! no wonder they are so moody! man i don't feel bad for guys at all when their balls chafe after they swim and then they walk funny, i don't feel bad at all!!!

Random thoughts inspired by assholes!

Once my friend said that she'd rather be stabbed then tickled, yes i know extremely dramatic, but i think we can all admire her strong feelings against being tickled and finding an adequate comparison in the mind of a psycho. well i have a similar statement to make. I would rather be slapped in the face then patted on the head. Yesterday it happened to me TWICE i fucking have now idea what i am doing that is just screaming "pat me on the head like a dog or a small child please!" but the people just can't resist and i swear i want to break their hand off every time but instead i have the choice of being treated like a dog or looking like an overreacting weirdo when i quickly jerk my head away and respond with a ninja arm movement. AHHH choices, I think we all know which one i continuously choose!

I hate when you know a punch line is coming, "america huh? my future wife is in america!" "my future wife is in america" "my future wife is in america" he is actually repeating himself because i am not listening, i finally make the eye contact he is vying for.... "jessica alba!" budump chhhh thank you folks he will be here all night with less then mediocre jokes and the tendency to repeat all his less then mediocre thoughts. I'm mean I know but nice doesn't get laughs so call me when it does and ill be the first to start complimenting people to make them laugh.

Repeat after me futbol! soooooccccer! futbol, soccer, futbol, soccer, fuck you dude don't tell me what my reality is. I fucking call it soccer and im not going to fucking conform! I am already saying tomAtos and that is bad enough as far as i am concerned. Not to mention one of the biggest stadiums in joburg is called "soccer city" what the fuck are you on??

I just went to the bar in my neighborhood to see if it was possible to work there. i talked to a manager who seemed nice enough. he told me they were still busy and definitely hiring! Good news right, well then i heard the GREAT news, john was also looking for some white faces so they would definitely be calling me! oh what luck. I kept my smile because i was desperate but i couldnt help feeling i was shitting on all those fat girls that wanted to work at hooters, all those toothless men and women that wanted to be dentists, the illiterates that wanted to teach english and maybe just maybe anybody hoping to get a job without there being an immediate prejudice based on how they look. Well welcome to south africa where jobs can actually be handed out and quite obviously based on your skin color! skin color is not a skill. man good thing i showered this morning! i am really hoping my whiteness just was a shinning beacon as i walked in! ahhhhhh privileged it feels so good and yet makes you want to give yourself a body scrub with sandpaper at the same time!

Did my flight here time travel??

Some places seem stuck in time. I have had those experience all over the world, even in minnesota. I remember a particular twilight zone episode when i went to a garage sale in edina and bought a bag of buttons from a woman with a mullet wearing a mickey mouse sweatshirt. you know who you are!

South africa is like the suburbs of america, full of surprises. Weird ones though. Like hearing celine deon in the super market, and seeing a woman breast feed in mr. price. I have also heard girls just want to have fun in several different establishments.... weird huh? south africa just wants to have fun! they just wanna! they just wanna!

I have to say that i am pleasantly surprised about how many places have kareoke here, too bad they are full of south africans that insist on singing bad 90s music. Its almost ridiculous how many times a day i get to say "I haven't heard this song in forever!" and "didnt they lock mystikal up?" either way I am sure the songs i want to sing would just add to the problem. One of the first nights my boyfriend took me out, i had one of those "i don't fucking know anybody and I dont give a FUCK" moments. I ran up on stage, personally introduced myself to Albert the kareoke guy and proceeded to sing girls just want to have fun. Now i dont know if any of you know my secret desire to sing girls just want to have fun and have the entire bar singing with me but i do. I don't know why but i apparently thought that attempt number one should take place in this small south african bar in...yes a minimall!!! These south african girls are hard to rally, i satisfied myself by cussing at all the boys in the room when the song ended, i think i got every body legitimately upset, and i am wondering if i should go back there.

You Know you've reached the top when...... (memories from OZ)

You know how they say what comes up must come down, well i have a similar saying. sometimes when you are on top of the world you have to run into a giant ASS poll and fall off your bike. lets start from the beginning. I was feeling fucking good! I had hung out after hours work for a little, chilling and hanging with the boys. My boss had gotten drunk and taught me how to open a beer bottle with a lighter! Thats right boys! I learned your little secret! I know you know how i feel ladies, how many times have you gone to open a beer, searching desperately for a bottle opener and some guy grabs the bottle with a swagger like he is john fucking wayne and pops the top off with the lighter. How many times! Guys dont want to teach you that because they love the power! yet again making themselves the middle man between us and our necessities, cant have a house with out a man, can't raise a family! can't feed yourself! its all a basic manipulation that starts with small things such as opening a beer. Trust me monkeys get theirs, there are no male monkey standing between them and a cold beer! or a banana whatever. Its a sad way of making themselves usefull when really much of the credit goes to the lighter! Either way I learned and its super easy and barely requires any strength, and i am not telling NOONE how to do it! cause lets face it, its only cool when other people dont know how to do it----- change----. As you can see I again like to be tipped but not tip, I am apart of the viscous circle! So i was feeling good! I got cocky. I excused myself around 3 because i still had quite the bike ride ahead of me. I was excited for it! I had just opened a beer with a lighter I could do anything, I was biking nonstop with no hands! I even lit a cigarette while biking with no hands! (sorry mom) I did it successfully and my heart was soaring (needless to say it doesnt take much for me to feel happy) I turned to see a taxi approaching, my one mistake, i turned my body without my hands on the handle bars to keep myself going straight, when i turned back a round a huge poll had jumped out of nowhere! or rather my bike was headed straight for it on the sidewalk. BAAAAAAAAAAAM! Thank god i had my helmet on! It made me think back to when i told my mom that it was the law that oyu had to wear a helmet in melbourne and she could only respond "oh thank god" I bet I looked pretty funny to that taxi driver. I thought: my boss is going to kill me! I was shaking but as they say you cant cry over a bike accident you just have to keep pedaling. In the end I made it home. The damages werent bad, although my bike bell never did work again.

The Chill Room

One of gaz's friends told me that there were two places in the world that he loved, some south african beach place that i can't remember and the "chill room". What is the chill room you ask? well besides the obvious that it is a room in which you chill in, and i am sure chillaxing is allowed as well, its also this outside room at a friends house where the boys get to go and just be boys! I was told it was beyond cool and a place of wonder! Well upon entering i could clearly see that it certainly was a place of wonder, because i certainly wondered "what the fuck is this!" half the room was stacked with boxes of bike parts the grandpa was storing, i would have loved to have heard that conversation "com'on grandpa! please dont put your boxes in the chill room!" "shut up and be happy with the rest of the space you have" the rest of the space consisted of mismatched chairs surrounding a tv. the walls were pretty cool every one who had ever come to the chill room had signed it, it was literally covered in signatures!! dont get me wrong I was def feeling the vibe, i love sitting around and talking shit. I was even more content to walk in and find 7 boys surrounding a tv watching twilight! explaining to eachother that jacob was a werewolf! I liked the place i just thought it was funny that it could rank on a my favorite place scale but who am i to judge. I dont judge but i do think, as i was "chilling" i looked around and thought, this room could use some bean bags, even a soft plush couch, just a thought. I got thirsty and looked around again, this place could use a cooler full of snacks and more importantly beer, well you know me i immediately voiced my thoughts of obvious improvements and the boys looked at me like it had never crossed their minds, i mean they def had the weird light fixtures and trippy atmosphere down but what about comfort and luxury. Come on lets make this a 5 star chill room!! I was recently told that a couch was added to the chill room, my work is done here!

Surprise!

This is a short but sweet story. I was yet again waiting around the house for my lovely boyfriend to show up. He was more then an hour late, typical. I had no where to be, no where to go, i just get pissed when he says something and doesnt follow though, cause im a bitch like that. He showed up glowing with a big smile! "I'm sorry baby!. but clothes your eyes i have a surprise" being the girl i am or maybe even a normal person that hears their significant other say "i have a surprise" i thought....... "yay a present! oh my god i can't believe this!" he screamed behind me "now dont look!" "i wont I wont!!" why would i want to ruin my surprise right? OK! I turned around and there was my boyfriend standing there wearing a brand new bafana bafana jersey he had no doubt just bought from some guy at the traffic light. "Doesn't it look great jamal?" Suprise! my boyfriend, yes did surprise me with something he bought for himself. I think he really underestimated my happiness in his own, sorry baby, surprise!

My south african boyfriend

whats up with all these archie comics all over the place? in the bathroom, in the nightstand, theyre every where, dont get me wrong i love the archie comics, especially when i was 12 but why are there so many?? Finally when i took the opportunity to question the girl we live with. I was told to ask my boyfriend. I am learning so many new things about him, now i know that he has an unhealthy obsession with archie comics, i wonder if i am his betty or veronica??

hes nuts he just fucking nuts. when i describe him outloud it seems like hes completely fucked but i guess thats what love is because i find everything completely endearing.When we got home from the airport i found a little box on the bed with my name on it. I tried not to get too excited because knowing him it was probably a box of trash. I remember when i got "gifts" last year when he left america. It ranged from things he had found on the ground to thing i had found and given to him. I think a lot of it were things he couldnt manage to throw away so he gave it to me. Im talking about broken toys, platic flowers i had found on the ground, reciepts (he loves those) his car licence plate a drawing he had found (why?) either way at least you have a background story. I opened the box and noticed that it was a box previously given to him, theres nothing wrong with regifting right?? yeah well this kid abuses it!! As expected the box was chock full of reciets, a saftey pin, some shitty bracelet of beads that he no doubt found, a candy bar that said "ps you are one in a million", and a letter. Trust me now i describe none of this with malice or dissapointment in face i love it, its the funniest thing. The letter was beautfiul he is a little romeo and the candy bar, well i love chocolate no complaints there.......until i learned more. His gifts keep on giving but in a paradoxal sense, the gift is that every gift ends up not really being a gift. Luckily for me I was attempting to not induldge in the candy bar and save it for a special occasion. A couple nights later I began to insist we eat it. He said no no no ill explain later. What could there possible be to explain?? the candy bar has infact been given to HIM! and about 5!!!!!!!!!!! years ago! 5! Infact i looked at the experation date and it was 2007. What if i had eaten that! what the fuck!! i asked why the fuck did you give that to me! he innocently responded, did you see what was on it, yeah i fucking did "you are one in a million" but that was given to you! well he certainly is. I have yet to throw away those fucking reciets from various mcdonals and gas stations (evidence of all the donughts we bought together), but ill be damned if he thinks i wont be keeping that box! Dont get me wrong he treats me like a princess, i have been the reciepient of many wonderful things but its always funny and noteworthy when he does shit like this! I think he saw that friends episode to many times where rachel has that box of trash memoris for her and ross, he claims to not remember the episode but did admit he think he got the sentimental attatchment to trash from a movie, the boy is so easily influenced by media its scary!!

although the boy knows how to use his words and say some of the sweetest things that my aers have ever heard, sometimes his compliments are a lot like his gifts, a load of crap. Some compliments are insults! They are just hard to register becaues of his cute little accent. Compliments like, you look good lying down (yeah jackass thats cause my flubs flattens!) or this one "jamal, you know i like that you aren't girly" geez fucken thanks. Dont worry though i know how to counterblocck these insultiments. I calmly told him that i also enjoyed that he wasn't manly ;)

the best part about my boyfriend is that he thinks i am funny and doesnt get upset when i am obnoixious, which its like why would anyone? thats when i am the most hilarious! but for some it can get too much. You know he loves you when he pulls off your boots in front of everyone even when you didnt ask nicely. A lot of people just wont let you do you and its always nice to find some one who will. I guess i value that as one of the most important things. He doesnt like me getting too cocky though ;) You should have seen him get his panties all in a twist when bru said he thought i was a lesbian when he first met me and a little ganster! i didnt think to much about the lesbian thing and took the ganster as a compliment!! my boyfriend screamed out that there was not way i was ganster, but his credibility to make such a judgement was completely dashed out the window when he saw jadakiss on the tv screen and he thought it was timbaland, immediatly defending himself with "hey hey i like the rap" I nearly pissed myself. I like the rap too grandpa.

SA

At least in south africa i wont have to work hard to be so trendy. I mean in melbourne we tried a couple of times but it just took soooooo long to figure out the perfect cute outfit which also looked like you didn't think too much about it. I am talking hours of preparation here. Upon my first entry into a south african clothing store i was practically blinded by all the sequence stitched onto the pants, needless to say i shat myself. But lets start from the top! I got off the plane, which on a side note to any that read about my last plane travels, it is definitely official, you can fart on planes and no one can hear you! Unfortunately i learned the confirmation of this from a comedian so there goes all that material! I got off the plane searching for my sweetheart, prepping myself for the perfect reunion which involved jumping into his arms with a fat kiss. Needless to say i was rather disappointed when i saw his best friend screaming my name and him nowhere in sight! I mean of the two south africans i know he was the LAST person i thought i'd see :) my sweetie ran in about 3 min after my arrival, traffic i was told. No flowers no nothing but his outfit was color coordinated so it wasnt a complete dissapointment.

We then went out to eat with his mom and friend (bru) maybe to make me feel at home they chose a place called "Spur" I have to say that i am delighted to describe this place to my readers because I am sure they are completely unaware of it's existence! Spur is a chain food place similar to our applebees or bbq daves. Except this place is decorated with all native american images. It was almost bizzaar, next to the sign was a native american image in a chief headdress! Our sports teams arent even allowed to do that and in south african they have a fucking chain enterprise with it! AHHHHH inside there were wooden carved eagles, headdresses, axes with feathers, i mean i don't even know how to describe the amount of "native american" memorabilia shit they had inside. They served steaks hamburgers and fries. On the placematt infront of me it talked about a group of indians that in 1985 had set out to create the largest hamburger in the world. Yes of course there is nothing better then creating a giant hamburger for a group of native americans! I ofcourse have to google the validity of this great hamburger legend!

It was my first meal, my first day and my first dine and ditch in south africa!!! I walked out heading to the care to notice my boyfriend walking skittishly infront of me. It was a shit meal with shit service but does that really warrant ditching the bill! ahhhh My first lesson "south africa no rules!!" After just 3 days it would not be my last reminder of this "golden rule" or rather that the only rule is that there are no rules! its like everykids club house has just been realized in a country. Stop lights mean nothing to these people!!

The next day I went with my boyfriend to all his jobs. it was nice just to be with him shooting the shit. It was so odd to look around and see the area where he had grown up. I thought about how one would expect in a country surrounded by such poverty people would maybe live a little more minimally but the only evidence i found in that was the similarity between minimally and minimalls, which are fucking everywhere! and I fucking hate minimalls!!! I like independent stores that dont seem so commercialize. between each minimall there are only highways where the people drive like fucking maniacs!!!! I swear ofter 3 days i feel like i have alraedy almost gotten into 5 accidents, avoided by inches, my dad would just die!!! so basically you need a car, which is not good. I can't even imagine biking around here. But i will say that the people have been beyond friendly. Every one stopping for a chat and like italy all the men very free with the compliments. I was told by the gate man that i looked good and then by our electrician that i looked amazing! Its like italy except in english and i cant say i dont like it. Is it anti-femminist to enjoy being treated like an object, probably. I know many girls that get upset or disgusted but i am like thank you! and keep them coming! common ladies before long our breasts will be hitting the floor and our asses will be slowly sucked into our shriveled old bodies, lets get those compliments while it lasts!

On my third day the depression set in. I have just left a life where my destiny (bike) brings me where ever i want to go. I love that freedom and then i was stuck in a house for the whole day. I was not a happy camper when my boyfriend returned home around 2. I know you are shocked usually i sleep till around 2! but the time difference got me all fucked up and i am waking around 9! At the time I didnt know it but the our night festivities could have made up for 24 hours stuck inside.

We were on our way to SOCCER CITY!!! to watch the south african team play in south africa for the first time!!! it was history and it was fucking fun!!! the line of cars was insane to the point that we were able to just get out walking along the side of traffic tooting these long horn noise makers that EVERYONE has! every one was so festive, singing tooting screaming. Eventually we parked our car on the shoulder of the road behind a huge line of people who had all done the same! no rules!!! we ran towards the stadium as if it were the mother ship. We hit a road block as we came up to a long line of people filing onto a windy bridge. The side street were filled with people selling shit and old ladies selling grilled meats! There was no cocacola stand with some pimply teenage with braces, there were not hotdog carts rolling around, i mean this was real shit. It took a whole 30 seconds for these motivated and problem solving people to find away around the line, before i knew it i was sliding down the side of a path, jumping a 3 foot hill of dirt and grass, and jumping the wall of another part of the bridge. Then we got to the security line, fences were already lying on the ground and there seemed to be nothing similar to a line to follow. A few of the boy i was with jumped one of the line fences, the security who was packing a fucking huge machine gun did not look happy, and neither was i as my boyfriend used my body as a shield against them pushing me to jump the toppling fence as well. HELL NO! that other fucker has a machine gun i am doing what i am told! Obviously i was the only one with this mindset! in the ticket line a poor girl opened a gate to let a journalist through and it was mayhem people running and shoving from all directions, we were tempted because damn it did look fun but i had a feeling i would be the girl who fell on the ground left behind by the group of boys i came with! inside there was more running to get seats, a fucking obstacle course. i kept my slow and steady gait. Inside it was phenomenal, the place was packed! You couldnt even talk from all the horns going off! You can tell theyre new to this though, the crowd wasnt very organized in their chaos, they really need to learn how to chant with eachother!! South africa won! and we got to head home content.

its been so bazaar to be with my boy and bru in their own country. Its like the twilight zone! they saw that i was tripping and decided to take the night further! we stopped at the montecarlo casino! You think you are in africa now?? my boyfriend said wait till we get inside the casino you are going to shit your face off! and shit my face off i did indeed! How do i begin to describe this place. It was a little italy made of plastics, the ceiling was painted like the sky and through out the fake city the time of day changed. They had cobble stone streets fountains, bikes chained to lamp posts! a little polizia car! little mini piazzas! una trattoria! the only thing was everything was made of plastic!! it was like they thought, well if we cant go to europe we will just have to bring europe to us! I had walked through streets like these in italy, it was beyond realistic except that it was all PLASTIC!!!! They had fake discotechas and pubs where the brick colums were also plastic!! I dont know if the people in them thought of it as fake but i could definitely spot the impostor!! they even had an "american" store. I was again about to come face to face with my own culture and shit myself. Outside the stores two tall wooden carved native americans stood proudly. Now heres the kicker. They were carved wearing skirts painted the stars and stripes of the american flag! Is it offensive if no one that looks at it realizes it!? to ad a little metaphorical kicker that statue had a small chain wrapped around its foot, probably innocently to prevent theft, I thought it was rather poignant.

Sammy told me that this is where he used to come to hang out as a kid, in america we were mall rats yes just as trashy but there was something so amusing about groups of young teenage boys hanging out in a fake italian town. It now made sense why he wasn't tougher, i mean you figure you come from a dangerous city and you might have a few tattoos knife scares and balls, maybe his child like innocence remained intact because he was hanging out in a fake world of plastic. Where the fucking streets could be mopped. I remarked what loosers they were to hang out in such a place. to which my boyfriend responded "but we are hanging out here" i had to correct him, WE are NOT hanging out, we are here to observe and judge! It just looks the same except we have a higher level of consciousness! I think he got it in the end.... we decided on the fake pub. Upon entering i was stopped, ready to get my id out the man asked me how old i was, 22 i replied, ok go in! In america id is demanded and even then questioned for its legit-ness, here i was being vocal questions and let in on my word! WHAT!!! to make things even better it was kareoke night in the pub!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH i wasnt nearly drunk enough and it didnt seem like the right crowd to start getting rowdy with. most were playing slow romantic tunes from the 90s, and not the good ones if you can even say that there are good ones, not even the bad ones that are so bad they are good, really i had never heard these tunes in my life. We eventually got kicked out at bar time and headed home. It was a good day in south africa and lets hope there are many to follow.

South africans talking about race and racism is like watching people play hot potato. "im not racist but she is" "he's racist but i have black friends" and so forth and so forth, every one saying the same thing about eachother! ahah

Roomies

I have good roomies, you can just tell they care.... We are by no means living the hard life but I will say that I have to use tshirts as pillow cases. There was no doubt in my mind what tshirt I would use yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi Xena: Warrior princess, whats better then ending your day and resting your head on the bossom of a warrior princess. It made me feel strong and empowered like maybe some of xenas natural toughness, suaveness and total awsomeness would rub off on me during the night. When ever people ask me why i went to new zealand i usually reference xena, sometimes people try to identify which i can respect but dont fucking talk to me about how you were a big lose and liked buffy when you were younger, i mean commmon people buffy was a girl xena is a woman! Needless to say this became a very special pillow to me. when my boyfriend moved out I moved in with molly, a lovely sleeping partner. But when her sweetheart came over i found it only correct to relinquish my spot to the love birds. I have good roommates because they would put my pillow where ever they knew i was sleeping. It was proabably to avoid me coming in the room at 3 in the morning falling over things in the dark whispering that i needed my xena pillow, but i could always rely my pillow being placed out side the door or on the couch in preperation for my warrior princess sleep. yyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy

Fat ass losers

I just realized as i was titling this "piece" that there are not nearly enough mean words to reference guys! I mean us girls we have bitches sluts whores cunts tramps, not surprising most referring to our sexual prowess, either way what good words do we have for insulting guys? dicks, bastards, loosers, assholes, poopy face most of these aren't actually that gender specific! Just saying ladies we should work on it! So back to the point. I HATE fat asses on guys. I always knew I did, ever since my best friends step father bent down in front of me and i nearly vomited in my mouth, i mean that ass was FAT! and not in the humpty dance good kinda way. It wasn't until I went to Italy and really started to notice their prevalence amoung the younger generation! It was a weird place to notice such a phenomenon because they are such a skinny and inshape society but I will say the male fat ass ratio is much higher in Italy. I would conclude that most american boys suffer from the flat ass, and I dont think its the jeans. Regardless if as a young boy you had a flat ass or a fat ass most will wind down their days with what i like to call the old man tucked ass. Old guys asses (not that I have been looking, but sometimes they are so in your face!) look like they have been tucked in on the bottom. I don't know if with old age maybe the pelvis starts curling, as to more easily rub your genitals on unsuspecting girls on the tram that cant move because its super full and cramped!! (thats me by the way) Its like their bodies have decided if we wont come to them theyll have to come to us! (god guys are so desperate) Well ill have you know that there are dire consequences of the pelvis curl! Its like the bottom half of the ass is missing. Like some one patted it down and tucked it under like a diaper. You know that i am thanking my lucky stars that my sweetie has got a rocking bod and an ass to boot!

Finally some fucking Kareoke!!

I was leaving in less then a week. We had created kareoke magic on the road trip at all costs but we still hadnt had that "live" mic experience and it was tragic. While i wish i could take credit it was molly who took the initiative. "lets go to china town and find some kareoke" no complaints here molly, lead the way! We had barely turned on to collins into china town and i spotted it immediately. shanghai club Kareoke. time to investigate. We were quickly disappointed and informed that we could rent a room out at 15 bucks each with one drink or 30 each with 4 drinks. I was quick to ask the lady if she knew of places where i could get drunk for cheap and force large rooms of people to listen to me scream into a microfone (god i miss america). Nope this was our only choice. We powwowed for almost 20 minutes, needless to say we are two cheep ass bitches but we were also wondering really how fun a kareoke room could be with just two people! (little did we know) we came to a final spontaneous decision, well it seemed spontaneous despite the fact we had discussed it at length. SOLD i screamed smacking my wallet on the counter, quickly to be embarrassed and informed that the cashier was around the corner, well there went my drammatic buy. We bought the room and immmediately ordered two shots of tequilla, which was delivered to us! Ah. We were escorted to a small room with a huge tv and pleather couches. the door closed behind us and it was mayhem! I dont think i have ever had that much fun! we went buck wild nuts, we were screaming and playing the music as loud as it could go! We were rolling around on the couches, standing on them, spidermanning the walls, their was hair whipping, couch humping, choreographed dances, solos, oldies, serenations, cool down songs, i mean we had it all, everything except our voices at the end of the night. which ended around 330 in the morning. I was almost nervous for someone to look through the window and see the two girls who had so seriously debated the decision of getting the room having the time of their life. Now i wish we had thought of this months ago because the rooms get bigger and bigger for more people, but i dont think we could ever recapture the kareoke magic that had occured at the shanghai club that night, it was liberation, complete freedom, everything i have ever wanted to do while preforming kareoke in front of a crowd. Thank you shanghai club and good night!

Road Tripping oooooout

warning: this blog is long and only dedicated to the one road trip i did in australia. I think there are good stories but its a long one, not necessarily super important, but i have to publish it because i dont want to forget any thing.

So I stayed in australia for about 4-5 months. Its a huge fucking country FYI. I am proud to say that I did a road trip, sure if you look on a map it is barely a hiuccup away from melbourne but at least i felt as if i were exploring. We went on the great ocean road, some might call it a couples trip but I'm not sure they have ever realized how much some girls enjoy eachothers company. I was lucky enough to do this trip with someone i enjoy immensely. Nothing could go wrong, besides everything. But is that really anything if you laugh about it? Think about this, if you accidentally pooped your pants but then laughed about it, did you really poop your pants?? think about it. Either way we were beyond excited for our little gals gettaway. We rented a car, I borrowed a broken microfone from a friend, we had about 5 bags of candy and 3 bags of hot cheetos, we had a tent, tons of blankets fuck even fun hats int he shape of donkey heads, i mean hello great ocean road we had it all!

we started with a few loose stitches, number one i was given one job. Get the weed. One job! yeah ok push it in my face I didn't do so well. THings were getting dramatic, it really seemed as if we were going to have to do a road trip completely sober well atleast until we could park and drink! scarry! call me nuts but i didnt think it was like the biggest deal, i knew we would have fun witheach other no matter what, but obviously molly did not share my sentiment, i mean the girl was trippin. Finally at the last minute im talking a half an hour before departure i got the hook up. so what was ai really supposed to do? duh a surprise. I planned it perfectly, i told her i had no such luck. she came home fuming, i meant FUMING. she wouldnt let me touch her she was so upset with my failure. I as planning on surprising her on the road but only because i didnt anticipate such a violent initial reaction. I had to immediately plan the surprise! She took one look at the surprise, looked at me, threw her keys down, and locked herself in the bathroom! Surprise! god i love surprises, dont you?? Well she got over it, we packed the car and we were on our way. Not much to tell cept that we had a great time driving, within 10 min i had my microfone out fake singing to etta james at last. We busied ourselves with important matters like would you rather, man makeover, do dump and marry, you know important stuff. We were headed to a free camping site int he middle of now where. We stopped off at the great ocean road entrance and took pictures. I had one of me (im embarrassed to say) taking a bronze statue from behind i guess is the least vulgar way to say it. Regardless im pretty sure it was a classic picture. Oh how we laughed!

We stopped off for chow, not that the pounds of candy werent satisfying every part of me (I think you can only assume that i was physically weak from trying to sustain myself on candy for 3 days) sorry mom and dad. We chose a classic fish and chip shop. You might think this is irrelevant and boring but I am upset and i need to vent! I was debating between the fish and chips and a steak sand which, DAMN TO HELL the great steak and potato company for making me have unrealistic expectations of a steak sandwhich damn them!!! when i say debating i MEAN debating, im talking like 10 minutes, thinking pondering, asking questions..... what kind of steak is it, what can i get on top? is it good? Tell me the truth! it was almost harassment. Stupidly i never thought to ask about the bread. SOLD! i stupidly screamed slamming my wallet on the counter! I dint open the minature box that that fucking fuck handed me until i reached the car, i knew it was going to be bad and i didnt know if i was going o be able to restrain myself from kicking his ass! i opened it up and i saw TOAST BREAD! i mean seriously! that sandwhich was like fucking 10 bucks. Im still not over it. Matters got worst when molly let me taste her calamari ring, salty goodness! she knows i like that! she knows salty goodness is my thing! as one of my good friends how could she have let me make such a bad purchase!!

The sights were gorgeous, simply beautiful! it started to get dark and we still hadnt found the camp site, i slowly realized that i was going to have to be an active passenger as molly kept questioning me.... " what was the name of the last road?" " did we go right or left" which way did the clown fish say to go?" I dont fucking know what are you senile? im the damn passenger! I have no idea im not paying attention, and the guy who gave us directions was dressed like a fucking clown what makes you think i could concentrate on what he was saying!" I raelly had to shape up and start actively participating. Oh the clown fish, we stoped by a birthday party where everyone had really elaborate outfits on, it was 7 so they were still sober but i am pretty sure we could have worked out an invite if we tried harder. We had other things to think about though, like driving in circles to find this camp site. I kept suggesting the sleep in the car idea. I had no problem with that i mean we had like 5 blankets! but nope! we stuck through till we found it! After 2 hours of circling we pulled into the site. (warning cars without 4 wheel drives do not attempt to go up hill) fuck that my driver said and there we went, rev rev went the engine. We eventually had to bail to a smaller hill. Then in the complete darkness we walked down the windyest muddiest path down to the camp site, molly nearly fell infron of a bunch of people. Two trips she positively replied! lets get started! fuck that! i in NOOOOOO ay wanted to bring all of our stuff down and set up a tent in the dark with one light. nope nope nope. We got back to the car and she was trying to inspire me. I concentrated on other things while she gathered the tent. "Biggie?!" what "where are the tent poles???!!!" I think she got as much response out of me as if she had asked where her chap stick was. It was music to my ears. I did not care. She was upset because we had planned all of this and then stupidly forgotten the essentials. needless to say she blamed the surprise. Finally she surrendered we laughed and started to prepare the car for sleep. Sure we had driven around for 2 hours for nothin because we were in fact sleeping in the car at the end but common it was funny. it was alllllll funny until i heard "biggie" what "where is the down blanket?" i lost it! "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GRAB THAT!" so here we were sleeping in the car with a sleeping bag and 2 pillows. while it was prolly the most uncomfortable sleep ever it was still one of the funnest nights! God i love girl time!!! I wasw pretty happy, we had so many stories and it was only the first night. We agreeed that we would tell no one which for satchel means to tell everyone, and we also agreed that we would get a hostel the next night.

The next morning we had a lovely walk though the BUSH. or the jungle. I am so confused by this term "the bush" are we here yet? are we in the bush yet? how do people not say it without laughing com'on! the bush. Back on the road again, life was beautfiul! we went surfing! well if you can call it that, i mostly just feared my life as waves knocked me sideways!! im usually fairly incontrol in the ocean but that day i was relaly loosing my shit! It was fun being in a wet suit, which let me tell you is really really hard to put on! molly nearly shit her self when she saw that i had put it on backwards. Well damn i dont know! that night we rolled into a one horse town and scouted out the hostels. Found one, settled in and started to cook. While grabbing food fromt he car, I hear that dreadful sound again "biggie!" nope nope nope i knew immediately and i was uninterested, i was happy lets eat and party i dont want to look back from here! but ofcourse i looked up and there she was, jaw hitting the floor with those god damn tent poles in hand. we were confused, would have it been dumber to just plain for get them? or just think we forgot them. We were at a standstill and frankly i didnt give a shit. Fuck the tent polls lets eat and party. And party we did. we quickly found the only bar in the town which had a buck hunter in it! and I regulated!!! to be continued......