Sexually Active Virgins

So in a pathetic attempt to trick myself into believing that i was a virgin and capable of working out, I went to virgin active and got some guest visit passes (the most important part of these passes is that they are FREE), don't let me fool you into thinking that it wasn't hard to do, they don't just throw those passes at anyone! I had to really turn up the American and vagina to get my pudgy little hands on them. I liked the idea of the only virgin title in my life being apart of my gym membership, so i felt rather determined (I mean at least to get them). But I had the nagging suspicion that these passes would end up like that other full gym access i won in a drawing about a year ago, completely unused. My suspicion later gave way to a certainty that I later used as an excuse to, yes in fact not ever use them. I passed that place everyday on the way to my hang out 'Europa Cafe' to order my usual latte and smoke my brains out, and by smoke my brains out, i mean very responsibly smoke 2 or 3 cigs.

I didn't feel incredibly guilty about it, especially because I was lying to my boyfriend everyday saying that i had gone and done a wide variety of fat burning activities. The lies help convince me that I had been productive and a virgin active member, unfortunately i think my body is immune to the placebo effect because despite not going and saying i did, i continued to gain weight. Placebo diet plans never work. (But I am working on a new and promising one, when i order coffee i quickly inform the barrista that i will say i want skim but they should give me whole. Then I loudly say "skim please!", my hips are never going to know what hit 'em)

Ok back to topic, although Virgin Active turned out to be a bust, I did get to meet a guy named Knowledge. He was really skinny with long dreaded braids and gave me so many guest passes I was nervous for the future of his job. Well turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because Knowledge could in fact tell the future! Or that is at least that's what he told me before he asked permission to hold my hand for a long period of time and peer in to my soul.

He said he saw a house by the ocean with a white picket fence, and there were people hang gliding, O M G besides everything being completely random and in no way tied to my life, passions, or past, I instantly thought *San Francisco!* People hang glided there! This guy was good. He started naming people, i think they were supposed to be people i knew or had a history with, some kind of tie, really any connection i think would have sufficed, because i personally don't know the reason behind just saying random names at people..... alex, paul, tom...... he was really throwing the whitest names in the book at me. I was so surprised he couldn't get even one, besides being able to read my soul and future he also had great odds considering the extensive list of the people i've dated. I also have 13 aunts and uncles and over 30 cousins, even for shooting in the dark i thought at least with me he'd have some luck. When i said that non of those names meant anything to me he informed me that he could go deeper, he wasn't really trying. I knew that had to be the only reason for the whole name confusion. Well I'm not one to stop a good thing, what did my soul have to hide? (except all my darkest and deepest secrets, but i thought he would be courteous enough to ask for permission before plunging into those) What did I have to loose? I mean this guy did work for Virgin Active, he had some credentials! He looked deeper and told me that he saw my bag falling, and someone that i might know or not know putting something in it, I replied "like a stalker?" it hasn't happened yet but I am sure that in my life time if anyone that I know or don't know puts something in my dropped purse for me to find, the first word on my lips will be ....Knowledge, you son of a bitch, you knew the whole time!

After our soul and future interpreting I started to notice that Knowledge was getting a little drunk, and smoking all my ciggs, those fortune tellers always know how to scam you ill tell you what. oh did i mention that he was keeping me company at Europa Cafe and i think playing hooky from his job. And by 'i think' i mean, I am almost positive, especially when he asked me to write a fake email pretending to be a business woman interested in opening memberships for the people that work for me. I mean he must of known that it would work right?? but i'm not a good liar, verbal or written, plagiarism all that shit English teachers dont let you do. Not to mention I would have to pretend to be successful and I thought that was kind of like tempting the fates for punishment. I didn't do it.

Besides the fake email and future readings, one other thing really bothered me about Knowledge. Some of the other fellas at the table were giving me compliments, you know that when you are the only girl in a room and actually talking and making eye contact with attention starved men, those are the most sincere compliments you can get! Either way, Knowledge turned to me and with all the god blessed honesty in his heart said "I'm sorry, it would never work between us, i like bigger girls" did I mention I WASN'T in the middle of trying to make him mine?? yeah! who cares that you are twice my age, drunk, work at virgin active, and have a baby, we wouldn't work because i am just not your type. Oh My God! Was he rejecting me!? Why is it that so many guys have the confidence to tell you that you aren't their type even when you are very obviously not hitting on them or the least bit interested. What sucks even more is that i had to take it all seriously like "oh yeah, that's great, no problem there, i guess ill just set my sights a little lower next time, thanks for letting me down softly". I hate feeding delusions that don't belong to me! Do you know how much it takes for my delusions to just survive? I don't got time for other peoples inside lies being said out loud. I couldn't be honest with him, but I would have loved to tell him the truth, that i could never date someone who can see the future and read my soul because 1. a woman deserves her mysteries, and 2. they could see how much of my baby weight i'm not going to be able to lose.