Future Pondering

When I was young, about 8-9, the devil himself asked me where I envisioned myself in 20 years and asked me to draw a picture, he wasn't too happy when I took the easy way out and drew a gravestone. (Maybe i was confused but i thought that was just the type of thing the devil would love!) I thought it was rather clever and no one else had been so ballsy or creative enough to find the easy way out of drawing a self-portrait of themselves in a future that was a little hard to grasp for their 9 year old minds, oh did i mention that the devil at the time was cleverly posing as my third grade teacher Mrs. Barnes. He relentlessly tortured me at the time, until i developed an embarrassing nervous habit where i would burp and vomit (just a little) into my mouth. It was only after various tests, that would make me hate yogurt for years, did we all realize it was just my fragile 9 year old nerves being ripped and diced by a woman 10 times my age (i can only assume that bitch was pushing 100 and wouldn't be torturing more kids in the years to come).

While now in retrospect I really didn't or want to be a gravestone or in a grave, (i want to be cremated) I still admire my young sassy-ness and lack of fear in the face of death! Oh well this wasnt really what I was aiming to talk about but its a little bit of history for you. This blog is more about my plan to do excessive drugs when i am old and useless. I think a lot of people make plans for when they will be old wrinkled and deemed embarrassing by their family. I think its an easier future to envision rather then the immediate, which i still have no fucking clue! I like to believe that we all do this. Plan old age rather then everything in between. My aunt is planning who's going to wipe her ass, my mom has made me promise to suffocate her with a pillow, and i personally want to do copious amounts of drugs. Imagining you are not shocked by my last statement lets rewind to the two other odd statements made by the other women in my family that obviously have a similar warped mindset about old age and dramatic ideas about life in general.

Since a young age, I have had two aunts that i adore to the point of combustion! So imagine all this love that i have in my heart for these two and the fragility of my heart when one of the two psychos would tell me at 10 years old that they had a good life, they were happy, and they wouldn't want me to be upset if they died that day. Well I am 10 and they have 5 year old daughter so you can only imagine the calmness with which i responded to these completely illogical sign offs. My other aunt seemed overly and irrationally concerned about who would be wiping her ass when she got older. Maybe when I get a little older and i have my first shit in my pants scare these worries won't seem so irrational but i think she had obviously recently or maybe at a young age been scarred with a memory of someone shitting themselves and not having anyone around to clean up after the stinky and embarrassing mess. It quickly became a huge preoccupation of hers as the years passed. I think I quelled many of her fears by assuring her that if all else failed I would be there to pick up the feces pieces :). My mom, to finish of the 3 musketeers in the nutbar house (i know 3 musketeers dont have nuts but i don't care i like them and they are delicious) has made me continuously promise from a young age to suffocate her with a pillow when she got old and......old. *shudder* I reminded her of this and she actually began to remind me that i HAD promised. While now i feel a little bit more emotionally prepared and lets say after 22 years in the nut house, a little bit more inclined (just joking! love you mom) i really think she should have second guessed the decision of making a death promise with her 10 year old daughter, i mean jesus mom! i have already been scarred by your two other sisters, one promising to die in the near future and the other who which i am hoping will have healthy bowel movement her entire life, gimme a break!

I think these ladies are being very very negative and pessimistic, I have decided to have a much brighter outlook, or you could say a much more psychedelic outlook! i think it would be really cool to TRIP BALLS in my old age. I mean don't get me wrong drugs are bad. but really aren't they only bad when you have a full life ahead of you and a developing brain?? When you are old your life is winding down and lets face it your brain is rotting. I want to eat magical mushrooms, drop acid, snort the coke! Of course my poor grandchildren will all be drug dealers pedaling for their nanny but at least ill be able to end my days in peace, maybe not the light kiss of a pillow over my face that my mom envisions but a quiet drug induced haven of my own. And i think we all deserve that don't you? Whats your old age plan?

*Can i just say that i will end my days as a druggy after i have been (knock on wood) a really successful caring grandma that rubs your head and sews your clothes. Trust me when they don't want their mom they wont want me and that's when i am taking a left into the gateway of drugs.