I picked up a magazine today that was giving some "Dos and Dont's" about blogging. I thought that I could use some advice, especially considering the Julie Julia fiasco and my unforgivable actions and words after. Either way in bold it was written, swearing in blogs is tacky and then right next to it was step by step directions on how to self-take the perfect profile picture, in it it even advised to make it look like someone else took it cause trying too hard was suuuuper lame. Isn't that a paradox? cause in reading the directions aren't you already past the point of trying too hard?? oh sure these people pathetically taking the perfect self angled photos are ok but god forbid if you write a blog with an F bomb in it!
Dont put a real name? think about future jobs!?? oh ok yeah i just might now want my future employer to know i am super hilarious and have kinda of a potty mouth! Peoples priorities are so fucking fucked these days. You can alter your image so you can be what the world demands of you but don't you dare step out of the circle and say some fucking shit that might offend some mother fuckers. Fuck your cages.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Sexually Active Virgins
So in a pathetic attempt to trick myself into believing that i was a virgin and capable of working out, I went to virgin active and got some guest visit passes (the most important part of these passes is that they are FREE), don't let me fool you into thinking that it wasn't hard to do, they don't just throw those passes at anyone! I had to really turn up the American and vagina to get my pudgy little hands on them. I liked the idea of the only virgin title in my life being apart of my gym membership, so i felt rather determined (I mean at least to get them). But I had the nagging suspicion that these passes would end up like that other full gym access i won in a drawing about a year ago, completely unused. My suspicion later gave way to a certainty that I later used as an excuse to, yes in fact not ever use them. I passed that place everyday on the way to my hang out 'Europa Cafe' to order my usual latte and smoke my brains out, and by smoke my brains out, i mean very responsibly smoke 2 or 3 cigs.
I didn't feel incredibly guilty about it, especially because I was lying to my boyfriend everyday saying that i had gone and done a wide variety of fat burning activities. The lies help convince me that I had been productive and a virgin active member, unfortunately i think my body is immune to the placebo effect because despite not going and saying i did, i continued to gain weight. Placebo diet plans never work. (But I am working on a new and promising one, when i order coffee i quickly inform the barrista that i will say i want skim but they should give me whole. Then I loudly say "skim please!", my hips are never going to know what hit 'em)
Ok back to topic, although Virgin Active turned out to be a bust, I did get to meet a guy named Knowledge. He was really skinny with long dreaded braids and gave me so many guest passes I was nervous for the future of his job. Well turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because Knowledge could in fact tell the future! Or that is at least that's what he told me before he asked permission to hold my hand for a long period of time and peer in to my soul.
He said he saw a house by the ocean with a white picket fence, and there were people hang gliding, O M G besides everything being completely random and in no way tied to my life, passions, or past, I instantly thought *San Francisco!* People hang glided there! This guy was good. He started naming people, i think they were supposed to be people i knew or had a history with, some kind of tie, really any connection i think would have sufficed, because i personally don't know the reason behind just saying random names at people..... alex, paul, tom...... he was really throwing the whitest names in the book at me. I was so surprised he couldn't get even one, besides being able to read my soul and future he also had great odds considering the extensive list of the people i've dated. I also have 13 aunts and uncles and over 30 cousins, even for shooting in the dark i thought at least with me he'd have some luck. When i said that non of those names meant anything to me he informed me that he could go deeper, he wasn't really trying. I knew that had to be the only reason for the whole name confusion. Well I'm not one to stop a good thing, what did my soul have to hide? (except all my darkest and deepest secrets, but i thought he would be courteous enough to ask for permission before plunging into those) What did I have to loose? I mean this guy did work for Virgin Active, he had some credentials! He looked deeper and told me that he saw my bag falling, and someone that i might know or not know putting something in it, I replied "like a stalker?" it hasn't happened yet but I am sure that in my life time if anyone that I know or don't know puts something in my dropped purse for me to find, the first word on my lips will be ....Knowledge, you son of a bitch, you knew the whole time!
After our soul and future interpreting I started to notice that Knowledge was getting a little drunk, and smoking all my ciggs, those fortune tellers always know how to scam you ill tell you what. oh did i mention that he was keeping me company at Europa Cafe and i think playing hooky from his job. And by 'i think' i mean, I am almost positive, especially when he asked me to write a fake email pretending to be a business woman interested in opening memberships for the people that work for me. I mean he must of known that it would work right?? but i'm not a good liar, verbal or written, plagiarism all that shit English teachers dont let you do. Not to mention I would have to pretend to be successful and I thought that was kind of like tempting the fates for punishment. I didn't do it.
Besides the fake email and future readings, one other thing really bothered me about Knowledge. Some of the other fellas at the table were giving me compliments, you know that when you are the only girl in a room and actually talking and making eye contact with attention starved men, those are the most sincere compliments you can get! Either way, Knowledge turned to me and with all the god blessed honesty in his heart said "I'm sorry, it would never work between us, i like bigger girls" did I mention I WASN'T in the middle of trying to make him mine?? yeah! who cares that you are twice my age, drunk, work at virgin active, and have a baby, we wouldn't work because i am just not your type. Oh My God! Was he rejecting me!? Why is it that so many guys have the confidence to tell you that you aren't their type even when you are very obviously not hitting on them or the least bit interested. What sucks even more is that i had to take it all seriously like "oh yeah, that's great, no problem there, i guess ill just set my sights a little lower next time, thanks for letting me down softly". I hate feeding delusions that don't belong to me! Do you know how much it takes for my delusions to just survive? I don't got time for other peoples inside lies being said out loud. I couldn't be honest with him, but I would have loved to tell him the truth, that i could never date someone who can see the future and read my soul because 1. a woman deserves her mysteries, and 2. they could see how much of my baby weight i'm not going to be able to lose.
I didn't feel incredibly guilty about it, especially because I was lying to my boyfriend everyday saying that i had gone and done a wide variety of fat burning activities. The lies help convince me that I had been productive and a virgin active member, unfortunately i think my body is immune to the placebo effect because despite not going and saying i did, i continued to gain weight. Placebo diet plans never work. (But I am working on a new and promising one, when i order coffee i quickly inform the barrista that i will say i want skim but they should give me whole. Then I loudly say "skim please!", my hips are never going to know what hit 'em)
Ok back to topic, although Virgin Active turned out to be a bust, I did get to meet a guy named Knowledge. He was really skinny with long dreaded braids and gave me so many guest passes I was nervous for the future of his job. Well turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because Knowledge could in fact tell the future! Or that is at least that's what he told me before he asked permission to hold my hand for a long period of time and peer in to my soul.
He said he saw a house by the ocean with a white picket fence, and there were people hang gliding, O M G besides everything being completely random and in no way tied to my life, passions, or past, I instantly thought *San Francisco!* People hang glided there! This guy was good. He started naming people, i think they were supposed to be people i knew or had a history with, some kind of tie, really any connection i think would have sufficed, because i personally don't know the reason behind just saying random names at people..... alex, paul, tom...... he was really throwing the whitest names in the book at me. I was so surprised he couldn't get even one, besides being able to read my soul and future he also had great odds considering the extensive list of the people i've dated. I also have 13 aunts and uncles and over 30 cousins, even for shooting in the dark i thought at least with me he'd have some luck. When i said that non of those names meant anything to me he informed me that he could go deeper, he wasn't really trying. I knew that had to be the only reason for the whole name confusion. Well I'm not one to stop a good thing, what did my soul have to hide? (except all my darkest and deepest secrets, but i thought he would be courteous enough to ask for permission before plunging into those) What did I have to loose? I mean this guy did work for Virgin Active, he had some credentials! He looked deeper and told me that he saw my bag falling, and someone that i might know or not know putting something in it, I replied "like a stalker?" it hasn't happened yet but I am sure that in my life time if anyone that I know or don't know puts something in my dropped purse for me to find, the first word on my lips will be ....Knowledge, you son of a bitch, you knew the whole time!
After our soul and future interpreting I started to notice that Knowledge was getting a little drunk, and smoking all my ciggs, those fortune tellers always know how to scam you ill tell you what. oh did i mention that he was keeping me company at Europa Cafe and i think playing hooky from his job. And by 'i think' i mean, I am almost positive, especially when he asked me to write a fake email pretending to be a business woman interested in opening memberships for the people that work for me. I mean he must of known that it would work right?? but i'm not a good liar, verbal or written, plagiarism all that shit English teachers dont let you do. Not to mention I would have to pretend to be successful and I thought that was kind of like tempting the fates for punishment. I didn't do it.
Besides the fake email and future readings, one other thing really bothered me about Knowledge. Some of the other fellas at the table were giving me compliments, you know that when you are the only girl in a room and actually talking and making eye contact with attention starved men, those are the most sincere compliments you can get! Either way, Knowledge turned to me and with all the god blessed honesty in his heart said "I'm sorry, it would never work between us, i like bigger girls" did I mention I WASN'T in the middle of trying to make him mine?? yeah! who cares that you are twice my age, drunk, work at virgin active, and have a baby, we wouldn't work because i am just not your type. Oh My God! Was he rejecting me!? Why is it that so many guys have the confidence to tell you that you aren't their type even when you are very obviously not hitting on them or the least bit interested. What sucks even more is that i had to take it all seriously like "oh yeah, that's great, no problem there, i guess ill just set my sights a little lower next time, thanks for letting me down softly". I hate feeding delusions that don't belong to me! Do you know how much it takes for my delusions to just survive? I don't got time for other peoples inside lies being said out loud. I couldn't be honest with him, but I would have loved to tell him the truth, that i could never date someone who can see the future and read my soul because 1. a woman deserves her mysteries, and 2. they could see how much of my baby weight i'm not going to be able to lose.
Blog Jealousy
So i just watched Julie & Julia that movie with Meryl Strepe about the cook and the woman writing a blog about cooking. It's a TRUE story and i am going to admit here and now that although i loved the movie (i was told "of course you do, you're a girl" - so i obviously recommend it to anyone with a vagina) FYI i'm going to ignore that male assumption for another ranty day so we can get to the most important part of this half bit poor excuse of a blog (sorry i didnt mean that), i suffered from some serious blog envy through out the entire movie! she wrote about cooking and she had tons and tons of followers! A god damn movie was dedicated to her! I don't want to sound ungrateful for my dedicated follower but i have to admit a little jealousy crept in, i mean her blog didn't seem so fucking great! I got irrational, and it wasn't like i could go throw a rock through her blogs window or burn her blog down! Fucking untouchable internet! I was so angry that i did something even worse, i went out and got drunk then verbally abused my blog when i got home. I said a lot of things i didn't mean and I might have been a little rough but that's what happens when you drink. I'm going to bloganger management classes now, and i really don't know when my blog will be able to trust me again, especially because this wasn't the first time. It's been a pattern, ever since i saw my sisters blog and one particular brilliant entry she did on beauty, fucking bitch. My poor blog never saw the storm coming. All I can say is that i am trying to change.
Bathroom intrusions ruin my concentration
I was sitting on the toilet, desperately trying to claw open a tampon which was obviously child proof - wtf this shouldn't take so long! - It was starting to be almost an exaggeration as the 5 min mark passed and I had still failed to break this seemingly impermeable seal, in the midst of my deadly concentration on the task at hand the door opened, and i was looking straight at a stranger's face who was around the age of 18 and most definitely a male. It was my roommate's cousin! What did i do? Did i respond how i always wanted to respond if the situation arose? with a CCC (calm cool collected) hello, or uh-oh? Nope, instead i reverted to my flight or fight instincts and found a more fitting reaction in 'OH MY GOD!!
Now i would be lying if I told you I didn't see it coming, I'd be lying if i said I didn't actually watch the door handle turn in such a slow motion fashion you'd think I had meant for this to happen all along. (I can be a pervert you know) but I must admit there was time to advert the disaster, and you know most of all, i really could have locked the door.
Explanation: My bf is a big pervert, so usually while i am on the toilet he will just stroll into the bathroom, I honestly think that he is trying to catch me pooping, i think he resents that i have so successfully hidden such bodily functions from him. His lack of respect for my privacy is what i am blaming for ruining/dulling my reflexes during this fateful moment. I honestly expected to look up and see my boyfriends cheeky little smile! Instead i was looking at the shock and disgust of an 18 year old boy! He will probably have unfortunate scarring images for many years to come. As he closed the door and said "oops" my lovely boyfriend kindly screamed "was she pooping!?" I told you hes been snooping! Well at least he knows how to break the ice right? I wouldn't leave the bathroom until they left. I was embawwwassed. On the bright side, if that damn tampon hadn't been such a fucking rubix cube, the poor boy could have really walked in on something even worse! and I really highly doubt Ill ever see him again, i mean besides in his nightmares.
Now i would be lying if I told you I didn't see it coming, I'd be lying if i said I didn't actually watch the door handle turn in such a slow motion fashion you'd think I had meant for this to happen all along. (I can be a pervert you know) but I must admit there was time to advert the disaster, and you know most of all, i really could have locked the door.
Explanation: My bf is a big pervert, so usually while i am on the toilet he will just stroll into the bathroom, I honestly think that he is trying to catch me pooping, i think he resents that i have so successfully hidden such bodily functions from him. His lack of respect for my privacy is what i am blaming for ruining/dulling my reflexes during this fateful moment. I honestly expected to look up and see my boyfriends cheeky little smile! Instead i was looking at the shock and disgust of an 18 year old boy! He will probably have unfortunate scarring images for many years to come. As he closed the door and said "oops" my lovely boyfriend kindly screamed "was she pooping!?" I told you hes been snooping! Well at least he knows how to break the ice right? I wouldn't leave the bathroom until they left. I was embawwwassed. On the bright side, if that damn tampon hadn't been such a fucking rubix cube, the poor boy could have really walked in on something even worse! and I really highly doubt Ill ever see him again, i mean besides in his nightmares.
Chain Male Damnation
I thought chain mail stopped after 8th grade, they were always a point of contention for me since the number of emails that I knew always seemed to be just under the required amount that would bring me a happier life. They used to promise cool things like your crush falling in love with you! or a really good first kiss!! Sure some would curse you with bad luck or when they weren't messing around the frightening threat of bad sex for life. But lucky me, now i have a boyfriend that sends me religious chain mail. Listen as far as i am concerned if Jesus will bless me after I send this email to * other people then Jesus should sure as hell be working on a blessed and dependable connection! I'd have to imagine he would be at some 24 hours coffee shop, or paying out the ass at some airport. Either way i don't think its fair that the fate of my soul will be decided on my internet connectivity. I mean has Jesus ever TRIED figuring out that whole router thing!?! It's almost impossible and completely frustrating. I mean he probably would have a heads up being Jesus and all, at least when calling his wireless company, i mean who would put Jesus on hold? But in all seriousness, I really wouldn't put anything past those people that work for Quest, heathens.
You are tall and stupid
"Wow you are really tall!" "Thank you!" THAT'S NOT A FUCKING COMPLIMENT! what the hell huh? if that's a fucking compliment then being short is not only an insult, it's a tragedy! I'm not complaining, i like myself just the way i am, but you could assume that i am saying that because, well, there is no way to change it so you might as well accept it right? like having a third breast, or an extra toe! I think my personality would be different. I think a lot of people forgive my sassy-ness, my obnoxious-ness, because i am barely at eye-height and how do you approach someone you cant see!? As I stomp around parties, running my mouth, swearing, and acting like i don't give a fuck, I get this a lot "god you are just a sassy little thing!" Ok thank you for thinking my inability to stay quiet is endearing and entertaining. I'm seen as spunky and feisty! And you know what, that is completely ok by me, how ever I can get away with more.
As much as i feel vertically challenged and my heart goes out to all those that feel stuck to a ground that is so much closer and easier to fall to, honestly I would never date a short boy, a short man if you know what i am talking about. As far as I am concerned we would be like a traveling circus show! two short freaks running around together, complimenting all those tallees stomping around.
As much as i feel vertically challenged and my heart goes out to all those that feel stuck to a ground that is so much closer and easier to fall to, honestly I would never date a short boy, a short man if you know what i am talking about. As far as I am concerned we would be like a traveling circus show! two short freaks running around together, complimenting all those tallees stomping around.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tyra Banks: at fault for losing the women's right to vote
I have no problem and I am actually extremely surprised I haven't written it before but an entire blog dedicated to Tyra Banks is YES completely necessary. I honestly feel like i could write a blog after every episode. The woman has officially lost her fucking mind! Or is a robot created by some secret male government agency (the man) designed to keep women dependent on dumb stinky men for the rest of their lives. Of course the men that Tyra puts on a pedastool are good looking and rich. She tries to teach women not to gold-dig ugly old men, but if they are attractive then you have hit the jack pot sista! I believe she actually had a workshop on how to correctly identify a man with money. Now thats a lesson you don't want to miss! I mean you might accidentally get with someone that can't buy you anything! Ewww
She is undoubtedly attempting to teach generations of women how to be the "perfect woman". You watch her shows and learn that you need a wardrobe change, you need to lose weight, men with money are good, and one should NEVER fart in-front of their boyfriend no matter how much time has passed! Its just not attractive ladies, so FUCKING hold it in!!!!!!! Or so says the wife of Howard Stern (She was apart of Tyra's panel of expert idiot judges who were answering all those big questions that we women, just for the life of us, can't seem to figure out!) I have so much fucking hatred in my heart after Mrs. Stern forbid all of the women in the crown to ever fart in-front of a man because it wasn't sexy. WTF is all i have to say! What is this the 1920s? Is the purpose behind everything i do, to attract a man? Where is my own life Mrs. stern? huh?? Haven't you ever seen that T-shirt "its all about me" well they also make that shirt in women sizes and i think it is perfectly acceptable to do things that aren't necessarily attractive but maybe comfortable! Its like sacrifice is synonymous with women. Well i say suck my big dick! cause that's fucked!
Sorry I am getting really vulgar here and I apologies. Seriously that farting comment just left me fuming the entire day! Because ill tell you what, if comfort-ability and being yourself isn't sacrificed, then you sacrifice you image as that "woman" that "whhattah woman" and some times i just don't know which way is up and what is worth more! Your individuality or your sex appeal! In this world they have a funny way of distinguishing the importance. sorry I didn't want to get all serious here, but it was just bound to because i truly believe Tyra is doing some detrimental damage to the women dumb enough to drink the kool-aid or feel the mythical "real" breast of the "real" Tyra banks who some time before she was a international supermodel at 16 managed to have all those real person life experiences that makes her so identifiable today. I mean seriously I have seen the woman try to identify with burn victims. This is getting to be a real problem.
She is undoubtedly attempting to teach generations of women how to be the "perfect woman". You watch her shows and learn that you need a wardrobe change, you need to lose weight, men with money are good, and one should NEVER fart in-front of their boyfriend no matter how much time has passed! Its just not attractive ladies, so FUCKING hold it in!!!!!!! Or so says the wife of Howard Stern (She was apart of Tyra's panel of expert idiot judges who were answering all those big questions that we women, just for the life of us, can't seem to figure out!) I have so much fucking hatred in my heart after Mrs. Stern forbid all of the women in the crown to ever fart in-front of a man because it wasn't sexy. WTF is all i have to say! What is this the 1920s? Is the purpose behind everything i do, to attract a man? Where is my own life Mrs. stern? huh?? Haven't you ever seen that T-shirt "its all about me" well they also make that shirt in women sizes and i think it is perfectly acceptable to do things that aren't necessarily attractive but maybe comfortable! Its like sacrifice is synonymous with women. Well i say suck my big dick! cause that's fucked!
Sorry I am getting really vulgar here and I apologies. Seriously that farting comment just left me fuming the entire day! Because ill tell you what, if comfort-ability and being yourself isn't sacrificed, then you sacrifice you image as that "woman" that "whhattah woman" and some times i just don't know which way is up and what is worth more! Your individuality or your sex appeal! In this world they have a funny way of distinguishing the importance. sorry I didn't want to get all serious here, but it was just bound to because i truly believe Tyra is doing some detrimental damage to the women dumb enough to drink the kool-aid or feel the mythical "real" breast of the "real" Tyra banks who some time before she was a international supermodel at 16 managed to have all those real person life experiences that makes her so identifiable today. I mean seriously I have seen the woman try to identify with burn victims. This is getting to be a real problem.
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