Aussie

Just arrived in Australia! Its so odd, it just doesn't feel real! I walked around melbourne all yesterday it was so beautiful and full of life! I just wanted to write a little something because i feel i have ignored my loyal fan, I am sorry. I promise I will blog more!

It's time, i guess

What better time to start re-blogging, its rainy, i am cold and doing absolutely nothing waiting for my boyfriend to arrive home, like the good housewife i have become, i have already washed and dried the dishes, with my saliva! that's my only way of retaining my self respect, its like when i was a janitor and i used to wipe the toilet paper dispensers with the rag i used to clean the toilet, ahhh that never got old, i only now feel a little bit of regret because my own sisters precious behind will sit upon my messes.

well I have been in new zealand about 5 days now, regretfully the weather has kept me in more then not, but i look forward to exploring when the sunshine comes. I did get my fair share of the country side on my 6 hour trip to napier, and yes i was quoting xena the entire time! what a woman. It makes me upset that because of her fan following the show had to take a lesbianistic turn, i mean why cant a woman be strong and intimidating without being a lesbian. no offense intended. Either way Xena rocks where were we?

The plane trip was long, mostly because my carry on felt like i was carrying a fucking dead body. I was dieing of thirst because i lacked the strength to lug my baggage over to starbucks to get a water, traveling alone only sucks cause there is no one to watch your stuff. When i first go to the airport, as one would suspect my luggage was too heavy, which is complete bullshit, the woman told me i would have to pay 50 dollars, i said fuck that and spent almost 20 minutes rearranging my things. 

On my 12 hour flight from LA rows 35 and past had broken screen monitors, Guess what row i was in, two away from those that were working. I still had a pretty good view of people in front of me happily watching their programs. I was so pathetic, almost 20 min before takeoff i sat there with the list of movies planning my conquests, i mean lets be serious i was going to watch at least 5 or 6 B list movies! I didn't get as upset as i thought i would, i think i was just too excited to be in new zealand and nervous. But  I washed the little anger i had away with the free wine. It went straight to my head, i blame the altitude!

I also slept and farted most the way. i am still unsure whether anyone heard me. I was in a very strange half sleep half awake state and i don't know if i was just so delusional thinking no one could hear me or if that was the truth, needless to say i was very paranoid about any looks after we landed. I went through customs pretty well even after i admitted to bringing at least 5 pounds of my left over trick or treating halloween candy. They didn't seem concerned. The next part was easy just look for a young blonde south african with a white trash moustache, thank you movember. Needless to say he was there and now i am here!

What the Crap is this crap

I don't really want to specify what about but I just wanted to write a general message, what the crap is this crap, in general what the effe is going on around here, i mean have we all lost our minds, is this youtube stuff over, is it too late to become a youtube sensation because if it is i am just going to end it here and now! YEAH MOM I WROTE THE GOD DAMN THANK YOU LETTERS!!!!!!!!!! god my roommates are pushing me closer to the edge every damn day. And so are dumb people now that youtube has been mentioned. OK lets see what I have to add for the day........ sometimes i just cant stop my mind, I wish it were spitting out smart equations and inventions but instead they seem more the mismatch weird halucinations of someone on meth. Hippos dancing, mountains talking, what the hell am i going to do with that shit. GD!!! Ok i gotta go this is enough venting about nothing, i think i feel better.

Hoarding

Is it bad that at times while looking through my things i feel a kindred to the lord of the rings character golom? My roommates had a garage sale today, obviously i slept through it, i mean come'on it was like from 9 - 1, but last night as i looked around my room for things i would like to contribute i found myself stroking many things whispering my precious to it and i think that's when i realized i was a hoarder, i am not talking TLC "i didn't notice the rotting pumpkin in front of me" hoarding but the kinda organized pack rat "i cant throw anything away cause i truly believe that one day it might be valuable and i will get tons of money for it", well i hate to break it to my self, but i really really highly sincerely doubt that will ever happen, but because i am talking to myself you can tell that i still like to think there is a chance and that's why i made it a doubt instead of a fact. Too be continued.....

Bloody aftermath

As I dragged my entire body through my door, without even a thought about the blood marks I was leaving across the rug, i should have know the following morning would be a rough one. I secretly knew that my lame roommates who had stayed in the night before would be judging me from closed doors and most likely right in front of my face. I woke up at 10 to wash the blood off, and really nothing feels better then watching the days blood stain the bottom of your shower. My mom followed me down stairs asking me how many cigarettes i smoked while my dad questioned how many drinks I had. I didn't have the time or patience to think of a lie to either one of them, so i just grumbled and swore. I considered bragging to them that while many of my friends had lost phones and wallets I had managed to hang on to all of my shit but I kind of knew it wouldn't impress them the way it should have.

Name name bo bame bananana fo fame

Names sometimes really come in handy when getting to know a person. I personally believe that you can really trust in a name to get a little more personal with someone. Like-wise as a parent you have to be really careful about what you name your child, that name will help those around your children make judgments and accurate decided on ways to tease them, make them feel like crap, and define them for years to come.

I might take this matter somewhat personally because if I was born with a penis, which i was not, my parents were thinking of naming me Herman or Giacomo. Barbarians. Luckily my vagina gave me something a little bit more then just my feminine wilds, it also gave me a beautiful name!

Either way, I write this blog as a warning to the future parents of america, but why assume that only Americans read my blog? so, of the WORLD! I warn you, if you name your daughter Shelly, she will be smelly, if you name your child Marty, they will definitely have a very severe cases of the fartys, and if you name your kid Chester, this might only be a fact, but he will be a molester, and if you name your son Herman, well i don't know what that rhymes with but most likely he will be some kind of pedophile as well. I am sorry if I have offended anyone of said names but since I know the names of my only two blog followers which might rhyme with boosin (see!) and scary (told ya) I am not that concerned.

So hear me now, really watch out, and though you might think you are super hip and on the edge of cutting new names, don't name your children anything along the lines of "mostitute" "kalcoholic" or "turderer" cause I think we all know how those stories will end. Thank you good night

Justine Queen

Mom-date

The other day was really special, me and my roommate went on a mom date. We went to two movies in a row, maxed out on candy and popcorn, and we even went above the speed limit while driving to the theater, god we were so wasted! Ok not really, there would be no way my roomie could drive, my mom has been such a light weight since I can remember. We had a really good time, stealing things and sneaking into places is so much more fun if you can convince a 48 year old woman to do it with you. For some reason its like its not gonna be that big of a deal if you get caught.

Half the time when you are caught doing something wrong they only make a big stink out of it to make a point, to teach you a lesson, its highly doubtful they haven't done the same or don't think its downright hilarious that you just walked out of the Halloween store claiming you came in with the chicken suit on. Either way, why would someone waste a lesson on a mom and daughter? They obviously are a lost cause as a very successful pair.

Plus I have completely ignored the awesome fact that no one ever doubts the actions of a mother and daughter, no one suspects, no one even blinks an eye, so what! they could have sworn they saw you two 2 hours ago walking into whip it, there is no way you could be just wandering the halls of the theater sneaking into extra shows, no way! and that's how its done! when there is no suspicion there is no way of getting caught! We were feeling pretty good about ourselves, maybe we were pushing it when we smoked a bowl in the theater bathrooms but the moment momsies started getting all paranoid I knew it was a big mistake. ok not really, it was a GREAT idea! but she was loosing her cool.

As I was having a shove my face contest with myself I realized that sneaking into the movies with my mom is one of my favorite things to do on a Friday when I have no plans or jobs to keep me from doing so and my mom is playing hookie from work.

A new page

Yeah, its happened! I am this close to success! (fingers showing a small space between them) I am this close to a job, a car, and a real deal life! How did I do it!? I bought a day planner! Once I got this planner I just knew things were about to blow up. My logic is undeniable, you get the planner and you will have things to plan. Its the long asked question, which came first the chicken or the egg? well i think its a planner. I now feel like my life is so hectic and begging for organization, but luckily enough I have this planner. Pretty soon my days and these pages will be filling up with events and high paying jobs, maybe even parties to celebrate the success of all these jobs. My planner will now be my best friend! My right hand man! actually maybe my right hand plan if you get what I mean. Either way I can now take a sigh of relief because my planner will do it all for me. Geez all this planning has tired me out! I think i'll take a nap.

The first date I put down was my birthday and sub-sequentially the ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL!!! probably my two most favorite days happening at the exact same time! how dangerous! I felt my planner shudder just writing about it!

Things I like about the winter

long underwear - they make me feel good, I'm not sure why because I am not the biggest fan of underwear in general

Beanie hats - I like wearing a hat that I can potentially turn into a Burglars mask at any given time. It kinda sucks carrying around scissors but I won't sacrifice that potential. I cannot afford to sacrifice any potential especially at this point in my life.

Elderly Weather

I've realized that the weather in Minnesota has made me into an old person, or a boring neighbor, or that friend of a friend you see in the supermarket, all those people that you interact with and all interesting or funny conversation seems to disappear without a trace.

I can't help but talk about the weather, to you, to my friends, family, jesus anyone that will listen. I find this a rather serious trend in most of the Minnesotan youth. The weather and its changes is not a conversation that we reserve and fall back on it is actually one of the most important discussions of the day. I have spent hours with best friends discussing the weather. Is that boring? well maybe yes it is. But I can't seem to stop. I can go from how it has changed, what it was, what it is, and what it will be, while of course remembering all the awful blizzards and snow storms of my youth.

Minnesotan winters scar you. Maybe I am dramatic but I believe that one is left emotionally and sometimes physically scarred from the coldness of our winters. And I believe that typically winter will not turn into spring/summer until it has broken your spirit and left you wishing for death. Only then will the temperature maybe start rising. Now that you know how I feel about the cold I will tell you that I should have been kissing the ground I was crying and whining on last week because at least it was hot and sunny. now BOOM cold, windy, brisk, and I didn't think I could be more upset.

Something about huddling yourself in lots of blanket and bundling while scowling helps you be even more resentful towards.......everything (not that I needed the extra help). I think its something about the physical positioning of your body, all hunched over and protective, like a really pissed off hunch-back witch.

Even though it wasn't cold in the bar last night I felt my body returning to this position as I congratulated my friend on his move out of the country. He had saved the money, bought his ticket, and was ready to fly out of here. And yep! just like you, I thought the only logical thing. This is sooooooooooo NOT fair. How dare he work towards something with hard work and accomplish it. God so not fair. I mean common! just cause I haven't saved any money, don't have a job or a license that means i have to like live in it, reap what I sow kinda shit? nuh-uh no way, way not fair! God i hate the cold weather.

Creating Confidence

Well, this blog might not be for the younger readers but since I know for a fact that my only reader is my aunt, I will not hesitate to include my thoughts and feelings at the present moment.

I have been recently intrigued by the concept of saying encouraging things to yourself in the mirror. A kind of self-self-assurance. They call it empowered living or I guess some people do, ok i know for a fact that one person does. Either way, I have been perusing the internet for what type of compliments one should give themselves, I found various phrases from "you go girl!" (which I won't even waste time explaining how much I hate/love that inspiration rally-ER of an expression) to "you are powerful", "you are strong".

I like the idea but I think personally we are looking at the wrong thing. I would like to put a twist on it. Instead of looking at your face I think you should look at your vagina. I found this article with a series of mirror gazing exercises, I suggest inserting vagina for "reflection", "eyes", "your face" etc.

http://www.whitedovebooks.co.uk/inspiration-empowered/2009/03/how-do-you-talk-to-yourself.html

I really think it will do wonders for our generation and the sales of crotchless underwear! I am actually considering patenting and publishing this ground breaking idea. And women if you think men haven't been baby-talking their penises since the dawn of time then you are way behind on the curve.

Another idea I have been playing with might seem stupid but if you think about it, they (as in super intelligent doctors) always say the little things make big differences in your life, especially concerning confidence and self-image. This thought came to me as I watched the "Other Boleyn Girl", Ok I am lying, I did see that movie but it only hit me now that it could be named the inspiration for what I like to call "crowning your clitoris". Feeling a little down? Not feeling your worth? Go out to party city, buy one of those fake (real, if you can afford it and I am sure it would work better) king crowns and make your significant other wear it during your intimate hours and tadahhhh you are having sex with a king, which, yes I know what you are thinking, makes you a queen.

While at first I really liked this idea, my mind is always going in circles and now I resent the fact that worth should be given by who you share a bed with, my whole problem with that movie! So better yet, you wear the crown! A bear skin rug wouldn't hurt either. Ok well that's all for now!

Watching wussy High schoolers

Look at them, so full of potential, young youth, just trying to find their way. New cars, new licenses, new aspirations. High schoolers, young adults, did I mention so full of potential??

As I sit on my front steps chain smoking, with absolutely nothing to do, its around 12 o'clock I just woke up and the kiddies are just getting out for lunch, I think of myself, my own high school days, for about two seconds. But mostly I think about how much I hate them.

Look at them, getting in their cars, taking their classes, little bitches, well ill tell you what, one day they are gonna wake up and smell the shit! It might be after high school, it might be after college, but god help me they are going to realize one day when they are living in their parents basement, sleeping the days away cause its too damn dark down there, wondering how the hell did it all happen, how much I hate them because they are going to hate themselves! Wow that turned around on me quickly.

I'll I am saying is that they better enjoy it now, why they think they are so young and capable of anything, because that's gonna go by fast! They are delusional and that's why I hate them I mean besides the obvious fact that they are all little punks. I swear kids are getting wimpier by the year. I don't know what it is, everything is so rule regulated, everything is so monitored, and we are fostering a bunch of wussies. To make my point every once and a while I like to cross the street, that barrier separating me from them, and pick a fight with one of them, just to see their reaction. They'll thank me later because at least they'll be one of the few that got an injection of reality!

And I think getting punched by that surely girl across the street who just smokes and watches the students will be a turning point in their lives, your welcome!

Permanent

I now resent the word permanent, I resent the phrase "you are driving me crazy you are so dramatic", I resent everyone in the world that has a license. I gave myself some time before writing this post, I wish I hadn't, the disappointment and failure that I felt would have been so fresh and alive that readers probably could have tasted the tears. Maybe right now you have no idea what I am talking about, maybe you do, I might as well just let it spill, I failed my permit test, and I am sure just like my friend's roommate who repeated back to me in confusion, you are saying "permit?, like the permit knowledge test?". Um yeah did I stutter?? I failed that computer test that 16 year olds pass before they are put behind the wheel of a 2 ton machine that can pretty much kill anything in its path!

To think that my past time of sitting on my steps, smoking, and watching the high schoolers come to and from school could get even more interesting, and by interesting i mean even more full of hate.

I tried not to get dramatic you know, I couldn't let it get me too down, I mean apart from the three hours I spent crying and screaming to the heavens, I thought I handled it pretty well.

I have since separated from it, attempting to find a humor in my ineptitude, or at least appear to be doing so. It was going rather well until one of my friends actually expressed sincere disappointment in me. How dare they! Real friends don't have standards, disappointments, and expectations! They are supposed to be yes men and women, rubbing my back, taking my abuse, and telling me I am perfect. Little do they know my revenge will come at a time when expected reassurance will not!! "your ass does look fat!" "you won't get that job!". Immature? you might think so, that is what they also said when I hung up on them. But in my experience, nothing feels better then a successful hangup, they must be perfectly timed and with an ending snotty phrase that could land you a part on the OC (like 5 years ago). Mine was, "well sorry I couldn't be better for you!" CLICK

Maybe I got what I deserved, maybe spending 5 years in the passenger seat, insisting on shotgun and never paying attention to the road wasn't enough to teach me what i needed to know for the test, maybe those two hours that i skimmed the drivers manual while watching a movie wasn't enough! Who really knows! All i know is that third times a charm and the god damn department of driving ain't gonna hold me back, whether they like it or not I make an oath to be on the road risking both my own and other people lives in at least the next week!

oh and permanent, just sounds like permit, so i hate it

Reflections, Rebirth, and roommates

I must reflect on the past week, because I have begun a new life, that is why I titled my blog rebirth, My two new, yet old roommates raised me as a child, they bathed me, they fed me, they put me to spleep, they supported me, and they foolishly thought that a college diploma would end these duties. Now, being reborn, i spend most of my day on their floor crying in fetal position and if I am not doing that I am downloading stuff on the computer in my underwear, which I will brag is pretty advance for a born again infant.

My roommates are pretty cool, a little strict you know, they both get up super early to go to work and I think they both secretly think they are better then me. They always casually talk about their jobs, I think they resent the fact that I am younger then them, god they will never stop living in the past. They both just went to the doctor, together of course, losers, and I guess one of them is losing muscle mass in their ass, I wonder if the test for that was just a firm slap and grip to the ass by our doctor. I don't think there is anything to trip about, I mean as I get older I wouldn't mind my ass getting cushier if my life wasn't, at this point you gotta have something to just lean back and take a load off on. I guess you want to stay healthy though, they are both always on my back about smoking ciggs.

But really god damn it, I have no job, no car, no license, I live alone in my parents basement, and sometimes i need to chain smoke just to get me through the day.

I don't know when it is appropriate to publish and start a new post, is it daily, is it topic change? As I come to a rather sore topic I think I will call for a new post.....

The bad news

Well, I got all excited about blogging, naturally, only to realize that my little sister is way better at it, so good at it that she stopped blogging almost 3 months ago! Check her out at liquidyingyang.blogspot.com. I wish i was so good at blogging that i didn't even have to do it. With my luck and illiteracy I will probably be blogging until I kic the buket real hard.

Basically Beginning Blogging

Well, this is beyond exciting, I'm blogging, I'm a blogger, I now have purpose! Even if it is to wallow in my self-pity about my lack there of. I chose this pretty rose pink crap because I wanted to give my initial blogging a sweetness that my writing will lack. I can already tell the blogging is going to be a hard blow to my social interactions, not uttering a word for fear that I'll waste good blogging material, quieting my humor so to not repeat my bloggs and show myself for a big repeating phony! But at least blogging is in a somewhat memorialized, preserved world where I can have proof of what i hope successful blogging and thus incredible humor, wit, and intelligence. I just realized the blogging world is where i still feel i have any potential at all.