Now in my head, in my dreams, maybe just in my past, i would be completely overjoyed to see a monkey not only 5 feet away from me but in my house! In my mind that monkey would probably be walking across the room to get my pencil that dropped and quickly running back to give me a giant monkey hug. The actual situation was quite different. As i looked up from my computer and saw a monkey, in the house standing 5 feet away from me looking innocent as ever with a package of biscuits in it's cute little monkey fingers, i silently mouthed I'm sorry and started screaming "monkey in the house! monkey in the house!" my boyfriend was the first to run in and use me as a human shield. A defensive move that when it come to him i am no stranger to. Luckily our other friend ran to the room in protector mode and chased it out. It was exciting and scary, I think for everyone else it eventually became a menace when they broke in to the house several more times! While I didn't admit it, I continued to ponder through out the day various ways to have offered friendship or a life long bond which would force me to find a way to sneak my new monkey on the plane to return to America because at that point we wouldn't be able to be apart and my monkey would do anything for me. I figured it was neither the time or place but I also feel like maybe i lost my only chance!
MIC (monkey in crime)
That's what i need and have always wanted, a monkey in crime! a smart cute monkey that knows how to laugh and point, that way i can be sure that we are both laughing at the same thing.
DAmn those monkeys are ballsy, ps they have blue balls that look translucent, seriously you could get lost in those balls for days! These monkeys know how to party and lets face it, they are the only animal that really knows how to do business! All the animals were amazing to see but at times they were kinda boring, i mean come on compared to the coordinated dances i was used to seeing in the lion king, grazing really wasn't that impressive to me! But those monkeys, well they know how to take chances, plan attacks and play! my friend said that they sometimes break into the house if you forget to lock windows, they ruin the house he said, shit is just every where and they just get into everything. he said when he got home the refrigerator was rampaged! food was everywhere! apples, cereals, eggs, two minute noodles, can you believe it the monkeys had even made two minute noodles! they really are that easy to make!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
10 secret desires
1. Get an entire bar of women to sing "girls just want to have fun"
2. Ride wild animals - Elephants, ostriches, lions, giraffes, I see them and think.......god i want to just ride you!
3. Become a foosball champion
4. have tons of cheetah print clothing and accessories
5. taste beggin' strips cause they smell sooo good!
6. hula hoop at international festivals and get paid
7. kill a man
8. win big at a casino, but without betting any money
9. become a comic writer but without writing a script and facing possible rejection and failure
10. to have ten more secret desires!
2. Ride wild animals - Elephants, ostriches, lions, giraffes, I see them and think.......god i want to just ride you!
3. Become a foosball champion
4. have tons of cheetah print clothing and accessories
5. taste beggin' strips cause they smell sooo good!
6. hula hoop at international festivals and get paid
7. kill a man
8. win big at a casino, but without betting any money
9. become a comic writer but without writing a script and facing possible rejection and failure
10. to have ten more secret desires!
Boys just wanna have fun! (South africa thoughts)
I love hanging out with boys but sometimes moments come when you know that you just are very different from them. I had one of these moments in Mabula when my boyfriend picked up some small animals pellet poop, put them in his mouth and then proceeded to spit them at me. His friends joined in to have the contest of who could spit them the farthest, this was obviously not the first time occurrence of such a contest. Whats with boys and putting poo in their mouth?? i just don't know if i would be able to convince my girlfriends to put poo in their mouth and spit it a non impressive distance just for the sake of competition..... but maybe i just have never tried!
Look don't get me wrong i send mad props to my boys but i do harbor the secret or rather vocal desire that women could take over the world and break the wills of all men, ok maybe that was a little strong. But seriously i just think that us girls should have each others backs WAY more! Guys, ill tell you what! they fucking LOVE each other! its almost disgusting, sometimes depending on my mood watching guys get along so easily is almost as irritating as watching my boyfriend sleep (seriously it bothers the fuck out of me) his little male brain just switches off the single thought that he has and he just twitches off to sleep. super annoying.
I hang out with mostly boys because lets face it boys know how to chill. I have decided its because women have priorities, they have things to do, they cant just let a drop by turn into a movie and then a BBQ and then maybe a game of Bball i mean com'on i just named like 6 different outfit changes! Girls always have something to do! cant keep the woman down! no but seriously they dont know how to waste time like a man. im not sure if it is a good or bad thing especially because i fall on the side of time waster procrastinator masturbator but i just have to appreciate how many group activities they all participate in! and it seems very healthy as well! I mean way better then a night inhaling toxic nail polish fumes and suffering from the brain damaged caused by one of the violent pillow fights! not to mention the junk food!!! (sticks and sticks of butter!) Boys play sports! start fires, go on missions, plan camping trips (sure they dont have the organization of a woman but at least they are out there roughing it up!) ok i know i am wwayyyyyyyyyyy generalizing right now but i am just saying the exaggerated opinions i have formed by hanging out continuously with majority of boys.
Some times i like to trick the boys i hang with into admitting they actually are sexist machismo men. I joke around a lot with stupid questions that maybe make you laugh, think, vomit, or wonder what kind of child abuse i suffered, but one of them that i believe is very telling is the innocent enough question “if you could take one right away from women what would it be?” ooooooooh and you cant imagine the responses i have had! its almost become a study. Some people say that i am opening a can of beans with worms in it with that question, but i want to know why men are so protected. I mean we women are blamed for everything we do and say, i mean come'on sexual harassment is our fault right? It's like with this question, boys are allowed to think however they want, and if you are going to be offended then you shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. If you didn't want some guy to inappropriately spank you in the work place then you shouldn't wear jeans that show off your perfect ass, right?! that's bullshit. Men get the "get out of jail" care way to freely. Well, we have some boys that don't even hesitate breath or blink before the say something like..... to vote, to leave the house, then some actually will take the time to think or even rethink and give a second answer! that's when we get the real dirt! “to speak!, to think” that's right women mystery uncovered men don't really want us to have any rights at all! they are assholes!!! i always suspected as much so really at this point i just like to see who can come up with a clever witty response and then reflect on how it demonstrates how big of an asshole they actually are. and guess what, they all are.
Look don't get me wrong i send mad props to my boys but i do harbor the secret or rather vocal desire that women could take over the world and break the wills of all men, ok maybe that was a little strong. But seriously i just think that us girls should have each others backs WAY more! Guys, ill tell you what! they fucking LOVE each other! its almost disgusting, sometimes depending on my mood watching guys get along so easily is almost as irritating as watching my boyfriend sleep (seriously it bothers the fuck out of me) his little male brain just switches off the single thought that he has and he just twitches off to sleep. super annoying.
I hang out with mostly boys because lets face it boys know how to chill. I have decided its because women have priorities, they have things to do, they cant just let a drop by turn into a movie and then a BBQ and then maybe a game of Bball i mean com'on i just named like 6 different outfit changes! Girls always have something to do! cant keep the woman down! no but seriously they dont know how to waste time like a man. im not sure if it is a good or bad thing especially because i fall on the side of time waster procrastinator masturbator but i just have to appreciate how many group activities they all participate in! and it seems very healthy as well! I mean way better then a night inhaling toxic nail polish fumes and suffering from the brain damaged caused by one of the violent pillow fights! not to mention the junk food!!! (sticks and sticks of butter!) Boys play sports! start fires, go on missions, plan camping trips (sure they dont have the organization of a woman but at least they are out there roughing it up!) ok i know i am wwayyyyyyyyyyy generalizing right now but i am just saying the exaggerated opinions i have formed by hanging out continuously with majority of boys.
Some times i like to trick the boys i hang with into admitting they actually are sexist machismo men. I joke around a lot with stupid questions that maybe make you laugh, think, vomit, or wonder what kind of child abuse i suffered, but one of them that i believe is very telling is the innocent enough question “if you could take one right away from women what would it be?” ooooooooh and you cant imagine the responses i have had! its almost become a study. Some people say that i am opening a can of beans with worms in it with that question, but i want to know why men are so protected. I mean we women are blamed for everything we do and say, i mean come'on sexual harassment is our fault right? It's like with this question, boys are allowed to think however they want, and if you are going to be offended then you shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. If you didn't want some guy to inappropriately spank you in the work place then you shouldn't wear jeans that show off your perfect ass, right?! that's bullshit. Men get the "get out of jail" care way to freely. Well, we have some boys that don't even hesitate breath or blink before the say something like..... to vote, to leave the house, then some actually will take the time to think or even rethink and give a second answer! that's when we get the real dirt! “to speak!, to think” that's right women mystery uncovered men don't really want us to have any rights at all! they are assholes!!! i always suspected as much so really at this point i just like to see who can come up with a clever witty response and then reflect on how it demonstrates how big of an asshole they actually are. and guess what, they all are.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
A good game of Kickball!
Let me set the scene, i'm in 4th grade and barely hitting 4 feet, i'm short, puny and i have a boys haircut (thanks mom - sure that seemed like a real good idea after we saw 'My Girl' and i was suffering from the delusional pain of getting my ears pierced!) That boys hair cut ruined so many years of my life! I still cant forget when that bitch Jackqueline told me that she wouldn't let me off the bus until i showed her my penis (the little pervert!) I did later thank my lioness mother that came on the bus and scared the shit out of that little bitch! You show her mom! Either way where was I? Oh yeah I am weak, short and standing in the great line of shame. I am sure all of you or at least i hope some of you understand what it was like in 4th grade during recess and the best thing to play was kickball!!! and the fear you experienced when the two best kick-ballers stood up as captains and began that embarrassing process for some of us by hand picking their team. It was always two boys wasn't it? fucking men per usual! I hated standing in that fucking line because i knew that i was bound to be picked last and it was unbearably embarrassing to stand there and hope for your name to be called but remain disappointed after you heard every name but yours! Now this time i'm not 10, i'm actually 22 and standing in a tennis court where my boyfriend and his friends are playing 4 on 4 soccer. The scene is a little different but the line of shame hasn't changed a fucking bit. I remember when i was younger i would cleverly strike a deal with one of my stronger more "picked" friends and create a packaged deal, you take her you take me! Many of my problems during kickball were solved in this fashion but i had the slight worry that one of my bf's friends wouldn't appreciate my arm locking and forced pairing.
Women think more then men, that is a broad generalization i will make from the personal fact that i think more then my bf, not in a mean way but just in the way that my mom has taught me that every grunt, look, head movement can be interpreted and possibly be a sign of attitude "hmmf" "what does that mean?" "nothing! i didn't mean anything by it!" "ok fine" "well wtf does 'ok fine' mean?" "nothing! i wasn't saying anything!" and so on and so on. I have become her! and to me actions mean something but my boyfriend just operates on pure boy rational that is, lets be serious, usually insensitive and dumb! But it is hard to blame them for something that their feeble minds aren't capable of grasping! I think gaz prides himself on treating me like on of the guys, his best friend, but i also think that is a really clever excuse for getting him out of trouble for not giving me the special attention that I want!
We had gone over to our friends house because the boys had organized a soccer game. Oooo i should probably make a small insert that in the morning I had dared to put on my boyfriends pants and proceeded to get ready to leave the house, i think the boy had a tiny male heart attack when he saw me in them, what are you doing he asked me. What? I knew this was gonna be a good one so i tried to play my cards right, they are comfortable! arent we roommates baby? cant we share clothes?? I don't really know what the whole hubba baloo was about! he used to be so chilled in the united states and here i can tell he is a lot more self-conscious about what other people think and a lot more embarrassed if i choose to wear something out that is a little less conventional, lets say for example a onesy pink fleece suit! Take them off he insisted! WEll ladies i'll tell you right now HEEEEeeeellll no if he thinks a man is going to tell me what to wear. I fitted my belt on to give the visual sign that the pants were here to stay and this would be a loosing battle for him. I was wearing those fucking jeans whether he liked it or not! jackie! And i think they looked good! So we went over to his friends house and i had agreed to bringing my sporty wear, a sports bra, my trainers, some running shorts (all barely used).
When we got there I watched the boys play and thought mmmmm nope boys are sooo competitive and usually really rough judges when girls join their super cool sporty play date, they act like they want you to play but they really don't (or so i usually think). The girls next to me look like they had no delusional ideas about joining the game, one of them was wearing pleather stiletto boots that went up to her knees (really not conducive with soccer) Ill tell you right now that what my bf wants he gets! he insisted and insisted! I HAD to play! I made him come to the bathroom with me cause i was suuuper nervous! I hadn't played soccer in 5 years and things were bound to be bad! I secretly thought this was either a ploy to get me to work out or a desperate attempt to get me out of his jeans! As i walked out onto the court I got more and more nervous! i was having flashbacks of 4th grade kickball games! OH the Shame!! As captains were picked, my boy friend and another, i immediately thought *ok he's my boyfriend, he knows i am nervous, he has forced his friends to let me play he will definitely no matter what pick me first, i mean com'on we are sleeping together, that has to count for something!* with that confidence I knew immediately that I was wrong. As quickly as this thought had hit me and assured me, it left. I knew that what ever i thought, he would most certainly do the complete opposite because he is a HUGE doofus! (there was still a small part that hoped i was wrong) but that also quickly died inside when he screamed out the first name "DAZ!" WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! this jackass forced me to play, pressured me on to the field, KNEW how nervous i was and didn't pick me first! WTF!!!!!!!!!!! he didnt pick me 2nd or 3rd or 4th. I felt as if my fourth grade bull cut was showing again! in the end i was on his team by default and for some reason he thought that was a really nice thing for me! After i screamed and hassled him for the rest of the game i actually had a great time and do feel slightly lucky to have a bf that motivates me and pressures me to put myself outside my comfort zone. I had a great time playing! and i know i would have been very bored and discontent if i hadn't! But this DOES NOT! excuse him for not picking me first!!!
He knew he was in for it, but god bless his soul he thought he had a good excuse! Gaz once gave me a would you rather *if in a fight with your girlfriend would you let her punch you in the face to solve it, if it also meant you didn't have to talk about it, would you take the punch?* It wasn't very well hidden that this was how he felt during fights with me! women are from Venus and men are shit stains. Ok ill admit i took advantage, i saw the opportunity and i grabbed it. I confronted him standing besides a huge dog house. It was funny and had context because he had one time asked me if he was in the dog box? and he probably was.... I told him that i would forgive him and we could drop it if he crawled inside the dog house and barked like the dog he was. This was his punch in the face as far as he was concerned and decided quickly that it was well worth it to not hear me give him a talking to. He climbed all the way in, stuck his head out and barked like a dog. Retribution paid right? yeah right i am a woman retribution is always times 2. i quickly dropped to my knees and held him in the box (it was physically rather easy because of the only exit small door that i was kneeling in front of) he knew it was over. I then and there also gave him a talking to! What can i say i like to have my cake and eat it too! it wasn't very fair i know but he fell for it!
"You knew i was nervous! how could you do this!" "baby nooooo you said we wouldn't have to talk about it!! i'm in the dog box, i am in the dog box!!! "shut up! what is wrong with you!! how could you not pick me first!" "But baby i wanted a good team!" "Yeah so what you forced me to play! how could you NOT pick me first!?" "baby i knew you weren't confident! and i didn't want someone who wasn't confident on my team! i thought it would affect your playing!" AHHHHHHHHH at least he is honest! "say you're sorry! say i am right" "you're right, you're right!" when i felt he had enough i let him out of the dog house. It was sweet sweet poetic revenge. He better think again next time before he picks me last, now who do you think wears the pants and holds the leash in this relationship!
Women think more then men, that is a broad generalization i will make from the personal fact that i think more then my bf, not in a mean way but just in the way that my mom has taught me that every grunt, look, head movement can be interpreted and possibly be a sign of attitude "hmmf" "what does that mean?" "nothing! i didn't mean anything by it!" "ok fine" "well wtf does 'ok fine' mean?" "nothing! i wasn't saying anything!" and so on and so on. I have become her! and to me actions mean something but my boyfriend just operates on pure boy rational that is, lets be serious, usually insensitive and dumb! But it is hard to blame them for something that their feeble minds aren't capable of grasping! I think gaz prides himself on treating me like on of the guys, his best friend, but i also think that is a really clever excuse for getting him out of trouble for not giving me the special attention that I want!
We had gone over to our friends house because the boys had organized a soccer game. Oooo i should probably make a small insert that in the morning I had dared to put on my boyfriends pants and proceeded to get ready to leave the house, i think the boy had a tiny male heart attack when he saw me in them, what are you doing he asked me. What? I knew this was gonna be a good one so i tried to play my cards right, they are comfortable! arent we roommates baby? cant we share clothes?? I don't really know what the whole hubba baloo was about! he used to be so chilled in the united states and here i can tell he is a lot more self-conscious about what other people think and a lot more embarrassed if i choose to wear something out that is a little less conventional, lets say for example a onesy pink fleece suit! Take them off he insisted! WEll ladies i'll tell you right now HEEEEeeeellll no if he thinks a man is going to tell me what to wear. I fitted my belt on to give the visual sign that the pants were here to stay and this would be a loosing battle for him. I was wearing those fucking jeans whether he liked it or not! jackie! And i think they looked good! So we went over to his friends house and i had agreed to bringing my sporty wear, a sports bra, my trainers, some running shorts (all barely used).
When we got there I watched the boys play and thought mmmmm nope boys are sooo competitive and usually really rough judges when girls join their super cool sporty play date, they act like they want you to play but they really don't (or so i usually think). The girls next to me look like they had no delusional ideas about joining the game, one of them was wearing pleather stiletto boots that went up to her knees (really not conducive with soccer) Ill tell you right now that what my bf wants he gets! he insisted and insisted! I HAD to play! I made him come to the bathroom with me cause i was suuuper nervous! I hadn't played soccer in 5 years and things were bound to be bad! I secretly thought this was either a ploy to get me to work out or a desperate attempt to get me out of his jeans! As i walked out onto the court I got more and more nervous! i was having flashbacks of 4th grade kickball games! OH the Shame!! As captains were picked, my boy friend and another, i immediately thought *ok he's my boyfriend, he knows i am nervous, he has forced his friends to let me play he will definitely no matter what pick me first, i mean com'on we are sleeping together, that has to count for something!* with that confidence I knew immediately that I was wrong. As quickly as this thought had hit me and assured me, it left. I knew that what ever i thought, he would most certainly do the complete opposite because he is a HUGE doofus! (there was still a small part that hoped i was wrong) but that also quickly died inside when he screamed out the first name "DAZ!" WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!! this jackass forced me to play, pressured me on to the field, KNEW how nervous i was and didn't pick me first! WTF!!!!!!!!!!! he didnt pick me 2nd or 3rd or 4th. I felt as if my fourth grade bull cut was showing again! in the end i was on his team by default and for some reason he thought that was a really nice thing for me! After i screamed and hassled him for the rest of the game i actually had a great time and do feel slightly lucky to have a bf that motivates me and pressures me to put myself outside my comfort zone. I had a great time playing! and i know i would have been very bored and discontent if i hadn't! But this DOES NOT! excuse him for not picking me first!!!
He knew he was in for it, but god bless his soul he thought he had a good excuse! Gaz once gave me a would you rather *if in a fight with your girlfriend would you let her punch you in the face to solve it, if it also meant you didn't have to talk about it, would you take the punch?* It wasn't very well hidden that this was how he felt during fights with me! women are from Venus and men are shit stains. Ok ill admit i took advantage, i saw the opportunity and i grabbed it. I confronted him standing besides a huge dog house. It was funny and had context because he had one time asked me if he was in the dog box? and he probably was.... I told him that i would forgive him and we could drop it if he crawled inside the dog house and barked like the dog he was. This was his punch in the face as far as he was concerned and decided quickly that it was well worth it to not hear me give him a talking to. He climbed all the way in, stuck his head out and barked like a dog. Retribution paid right? yeah right i am a woman retribution is always times 2. i quickly dropped to my knees and held him in the box (it was physically rather easy because of the only exit small door that i was kneeling in front of) he knew it was over. I then and there also gave him a talking to! What can i say i like to have my cake and eat it too! it wasn't very fair i know but he fell for it!
"You knew i was nervous! how could you do this!" "baby nooooo you said we wouldn't have to talk about it!! i'm in the dog box, i am in the dog box!!! "shut up! what is wrong with you!! how could you not pick me first!" "But baby i wanted a good team!" "Yeah so what you forced me to play! how could you NOT pick me first!?" "baby i knew you weren't confident! and i didn't want someone who wasn't confident on my team! i thought it would affect your playing!" AHHHHHHHHH at least he is honest! "say you're sorry! say i am right" "you're right, you're right!" when i felt he had enough i let him out of the dog house. It was sweet sweet poetic revenge. He better think again next time before he picks me last, now who do you think wears the pants and holds the leash in this relationship!
Sneaky Snacking
So i think you can gather that sharing and my hatred for it is still a huge part of my life. We just have a funny thing with food him and I. Not only has our relationship always represented a not so verbal contract to share everything i also am not allowed to snack! It's like i live in a real life food chain. I can't eat food on my own and when i can finally eat, i must share it with him! I didn't sign up for this! I have developed a habit to solve both these problems and i call it sneaky snacking (it can also be mistaken for gluttony). Sneaky snacking is when you take the seldom opportunity to eat something delicious without your significant other finding out, a lot of the times it just looks like you are shoving your face in the corner of the kitchen while suffering from an attack of paranoia but its a really effective protection against sharing and against that weird thing your bf does when he counts how many portions of the food you have had. With sneaky snacking, that cookie will look like your 2nd when its actually your 4th and you can feign satisfactions with just a little! Genius! I actually can't claim to be the originator because upon reflecting on my childhood i now clearly remember my mother practicing it well. While at the time i didn't know what all the secrecy was about, I will say that i now can completely understand why i found my mom so many times in a dark kitchen eating the last of the chocolate chip brownies, or all those times i knew she was locking herself in the bathroom to eat chocolates. It now makes so much sense to me and i can completely identify and understand how a woman can be forced into the secret food binge (the underground food train, is that appropriate? i think i have been in SA too long)!
I'm reminded of a story that my father never seem to let my mom forget: in Italy my mother was in-charge of getting things from the bakery (that's entrapment dad and its illegal). While walking back she decided to eat something chocolaty on the street corner (maybe so he wouldn't guilt trip her for it, maybe so she wouldn't have to share, maybe just to have a moment all for herself, i don't know mom they all seem like great and understandable reasons to me!), her fatal mistake was doing her secret snacking so close to home. My creepy father was at the window and saw the entire thing. While i think I am a rather good SS (secret snacker) it's extremely difficult to hide it from the born naggers such as my father and my bf. I have also made the same blunder that my poor mother made on that fateful corner in Italy.
A couple of weeks ago, I took the opportunity to grab a handful of frosted flakes while my boyfriend was in the bathroom. Lets just ignore the fact that when picking out the cereal he had told me in a "we are at Tiffanys" kind of way to pick out anything I wanted! I grabbed the frosted flakes under the naive pretense that i would be able to consume them freely! well i quickly learned that was a no no, and that's why in this story i am already SSing with them. I heard the bathroom door open and in a last pathetic attempt to complete my SS i shoved the entire handful into my mouth! I was sitting on the bed with 2 other friends, he entered the room and i thought cleverly if i didn't look at him he wouldn't see me chewing and i would be able to pull the whole thing off! My head was turned the other way and I was desperately trying to swallow those frosties before the gig was up, tragically i didn't have nearly enough saliva, not by a long shot! But it didn't matter, that mother fucker knew immediately!!! i mean immediately! "what are you eating? Jamal??" I couldn't answer because i was diligently working on destroying the evidence in my mouth. I wasn't quick enough. He ran across the room and grabbed my head, pinching my cheeks and forced me to show him the delicious frosties hiding in my mouth. Caught frosted handed! he's like a god damn parole officer with that shit! It just means we need to get sneakier, more cut throat! I think i'll try that bathroom lockin idea next time!
I'm reminded of a story that my father never seem to let my mom forget: in Italy my mother was in-charge of getting things from the bakery (that's entrapment dad and its illegal). While walking back she decided to eat something chocolaty on the street corner (maybe so he wouldn't guilt trip her for it, maybe so she wouldn't have to share, maybe just to have a moment all for herself, i don't know mom they all seem like great and understandable reasons to me!), her fatal mistake was doing her secret snacking so close to home. My creepy father was at the window and saw the entire thing. While i think I am a rather good SS (secret snacker) it's extremely difficult to hide it from the born naggers such as my father and my bf. I have also made the same blunder that my poor mother made on that fateful corner in Italy.
A couple of weeks ago, I took the opportunity to grab a handful of frosted flakes while my boyfriend was in the bathroom. Lets just ignore the fact that when picking out the cereal he had told me in a "we are at Tiffanys" kind of way to pick out anything I wanted! I grabbed the frosted flakes under the naive pretense that i would be able to consume them freely! well i quickly learned that was a no no, and that's why in this story i am already SSing with them. I heard the bathroom door open and in a last pathetic attempt to complete my SS i shoved the entire handful into my mouth! I was sitting on the bed with 2 other friends, he entered the room and i thought cleverly if i didn't look at him he wouldn't see me chewing and i would be able to pull the whole thing off! My head was turned the other way and I was desperately trying to swallow those frosties before the gig was up, tragically i didn't have nearly enough saliva, not by a long shot! But it didn't matter, that mother fucker knew immediately!!! i mean immediately! "what are you eating? Jamal??" I couldn't answer because i was diligently working on destroying the evidence in my mouth. I wasn't quick enough. He ran across the room and grabbed my head, pinching my cheeks and forced me to show him the delicious frosties hiding in my mouth. Caught frosted handed! he's like a god damn parole officer with that shit! It just means we need to get sneakier, more cut throat! I think i'll try that bathroom lockin idea next time!
Still serving and sharing
I had almost gotten away with it, i had almost successfully eaten a delicious sandwich that i had made for myself. I had almost managed to eat the whole thing with out sacrificing a single bite to the food god that is my boyfriend. And then............. yummmmmmmmmm I stupidly let out the satisfied sound that follows a delicious bite. he was like an attack guard, i mean his ears perked and everything! I saw it in his eyes, it was all over, i started slowly turning to protect the sandwich through means of obstruction, but ill tell you immediately a good physical protective stance wont do anything against a "baby pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase, just one!" FuCK it wasn't enough that i had made both our sandwiches, that he was going to leave in 2 seconds, and i would have to clean up everything on top of it, nope he just HAD to have a bit of my sandwich as well! ! Lets just ignore the fact that the piggy inhaled his sandwich without a single thought to me. But what he wants he gets! Bite gone, bf gone, resentment towards sharing, here to stay! It was my own fault, if only 3 types of melted cheese with grilled mushrooms didnt make me say Yummmmm! I would have gotten away with it! Damn it all!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Future Pondering
When I was young, about 8-9, the devil himself asked me where I envisioned myself in 20 years and asked me to draw a picture, he wasn't too happy when I took the easy way out and drew a gravestone. (Maybe i was confused but i thought that was just the type of thing the devil would love!) I thought it was rather clever and no one else had been so ballsy or creative enough to find the easy way out of drawing a self-portrait of themselves in a future that was a little hard to grasp for their 9 year old minds, oh did i mention that the devil at the time was cleverly posing as my third grade teacher Mrs. Barnes. He relentlessly tortured me at the time, until i developed an embarrassing nervous habit where i would burp and vomit (just a little) into my mouth. It was only after various tests, that would make me hate yogurt for years, did we all realize it was just my fragile 9 year old nerves being ripped and diced by a woman 10 times my age (i can only assume that bitch was pushing 100 and wouldn't be torturing more kids in the years to come).
While now in retrospect I really didn't or want to be a gravestone or in a grave, (i want to be cremated) I still admire my young sassy-ness and lack of fear in the face of death! Oh well this wasnt really what I was aiming to talk about but its a little bit of history for you. This blog is more about my plan to do excessive drugs when i am old and useless. I think a lot of people make plans for when they will be old wrinkled and deemed embarrassing by their family. I think its an easier future to envision rather then the immediate, which i still have no fucking clue! I like to believe that we all do this. Plan old age rather then everything in between. My aunt is planning who's going to wipe her ass, my mom has made me promise to suffocate her with a pillow, and i personally want to do copious amounts of drugs. Imagining you are not shocked by my last statement lets rewind to the two other odd statements made by the other women in my family that obviously have a similar warped mindset about old age and dramatic ideas about life in general.
Since a young age, I have had two aunts that i adore to the point of combustion! So imagine all this love that i have in my heart for these two and the fragility of my heart when one of the two psychos would tell me at 10 years old that they had a good life, they were happy, and they wouldn't want me to be upset if they died that day. Well I am 10 and they have 5 year old daughter so you can only imagine the calmness with which i responded to these completely illogical sign offs. My other aunt seemed overly and irrationally concerned about who would be wiping her ass when she got older. Maybe when I get a little older and i have my first shit in my pants scare these worries won't seem so irrational but i think she had obviously recently or maybe at a young age been scarred with a memory of someone shitting themselves and not having anyone around to clean up after the stinky and embarrassing mess. It quickly became a huge preoccupation of hers as the years passed. I think I quelled many of her fears by assuring her that if all else failed I would be there to pick up the feces pieces :). My mom, to finish of the 3 musketeers in the nutbar house (i know 3 musketeers dont have nuts but i don't care i like them and they are delicious) has made me continuously promise from a young age to suffocate her with a pillow when she got old and......old. *shudder* I reminded her of this and she actually began to remind me that i HAD promised. While now i feel a little bit more emotionally prepared and lets say after 22 years in the nut house, a little bit more inclined (just joking! love you mom) i really think she should have second guessed the decision of making a death promise with her 10 year old daughter, i mean jesus mom! i have already been scarred by your two other sisters, one promising to die in the near future and the other who which i am hoping will have healthy bowel movement her entire life, gimme a break!
I think these ladies are being very very negative and pessimistic, I have decided to have a much brighter outlook, or you could say a much more psychedelic outlook! i think it would be really cool to TRIP BALLS in my old age. I mean don't get me wrong drugs are bad. but really aren't they only bad when you have a full life ahead of you and a developing brain?? When you are old your life is winding down and lets face it your brain is rotting. I want to eat magical mushrooms, drop acid, snort the coke! Of course my poor grandchildren will all be drug dealers pedaling for their nanny but at least ill be able to end my days in peace, maybe not the light kiss of a pillow over my face that my mom envisions but a quiet drug induced haven of my own. And i think we all deserve that don't you? Whats your old age plan?
*Can i just say that i will end my days as a druggy after i have been (knock on wood) a really successful caring grandma that rubs your head and sews your clothes. Trust me when they don't want their mom they wont want me and that's when i am taking a left into the gateway of drugs.
While now in retrospect I really didn't or want to be a gravestone or in a grave, (i want to be cremated) I still admire my young sassy-ness and lack of fear in the face of death! Oh well this wasnt really what I was aiming to talk about but its a little bit of history for you. This blog is more about my plan to do excessive drugs when i am old and useless. I think a lot of people make plans for when they will be old wrinkled and deemed embarrassing by their family. I think its an easier future to envision rather then the immediate, which i still have no fucking clue! I like to believe that we all do this. Plan old age rather then everything in between. My aunt is planning who's going to wipe her ass, my mom has made me promise to suffocate her with a pillow, and i personally want to do copious amounts of drugs. Imagining you are not shocked by my last statement lets rewind to the two other odd statements made by the other women in my family that obviously have a similar warped mindset about old age and dramatic ideas about life in general.
Since a young age, I have had two aunts that i adore to the point of combustion! So imagine all this love that i have in my heart for these two and the fragility of my heart when one of the two psychos would tell me at 10 years old that they had a good life, they were happy, and they wouldn't want me to be upset if they died that day. Well I am 10 and they have 5 year old daughter so you can only imagine the calmness with which i responded to these completely illogical sign offs. My other aunt seemed overly and irrationally concerned about who would be wiping her ass when she got older. Maybe when I get a little older and i have my first shit in my pants scare these worries won't seem so irrational but i think she had obviously recently or maybe at a young age been scarred with a memory of someone shitting themselves and not having anyone around to clean up after the stinky and embarrassing mess. It quickly became a huge preoccupation of hers as the years passed. I think I quelled many of her fears by assuring her that if all else failed I would be there to pick up the feces pieces :). My mom, to finish of the 3 musketeers in the nutbar house (i know 3 musketeers dont have nuts but i don't care i like them and they are delicious) has made me continuously promise from a young age to suffocate her with a pillow when she got old and......old. *shudder* I reminded her of this and she actually began to remind me that i HAD promised. While now i feel a little bit more emotionally prepared and lets say after 22 years in the nut house, a little bit more inclined (just joking! love you mom) i really think she should have second guessed the decision of making a death promise with her 10 year old daughter, i mean jesus mom! i have already been scarred by your two other sisters, one promising to die in the near future and the other who which i am hoping will have healthy bowel movement her entire life, gimme a break!
I think these ladies are being very very negative and pessimistic, I have decided to have a much brighter outlook, or you could say a much more psychedelic outlook! i think it would be really cool to TRIP BALLS in my old age. I mean don't get me wrong drugs are bad. but really aren't they only bad when you have a full life ahead of you and a developing brain?? When you are old your life is winding down and lets face it your brain is rotting. I want to eat magical mushrooms, drop acid, snort the coke! Of course my poor grandchildren will all be drug dealers pedaling for their nanny but at least ill be able to end my days in peace, maybe not the light kiss of a pillow over my face that my mom envisions but a quiet drug induced haven of my own. And i think we all deserve that don't you? Whats your old age plan?
*Can i just say that i will end my days as a druggy after i have been (knock on wood) a really successful caring grandma that rubs your head and sews your clothes. Trust me when they don't want their mom they wont want me and that's when i am taking a left into the gateway of drugs.
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