Mind your own beeswax!

Soooo as I was sitting by the pool in the middle of January at my friends aunts house, feeling completely entitled to my paradise like environment and i was of course minding my own business. Well it pretty much goes with out saying that minding my own business involved talking out lout about the personal affairs of other people that i didn't know, like Lindsey lohan and scarlet johanson. Ill say so myself i was thinking my side comments plus theories concerning the career choices of lilo pretty funny when one of the other bottom feeder free-loaders at the pool asked me if i personally knew any of these people...... WHA? well that's a dumb question i felt the need to respond, if i knew lindsey lohan what the hell would i be doing here with you fucks, i would be at her private resort on the Caribbean helping her cope with all her god damn problems, well because obviously we would be good friends ;) Then the boy next to me also responded that reading these magazines made one stupidER, I quickly corrected him that that it was "dumber" and predictably pointed out to him that between the two of us at least i knew the difference. Needless to say I am making a lot of friends here in Australia! The trick is to not let them push you around! I have always hated a bully. Thats why i suck at poker, because even if i know i am not going to win i effing hate that smug look of the person across from me that has just upped the ante, so with a pair of 2s I will yell, Fuck You! ALL IN!

Am I obsessed with Farting?

Is it weird that I feel more comfortable farting in the crowded restaurant where i work then in the privacy of my own home? Not to imply that things haven't been improving, i did mention to him that i have been pooping green for the past couple of days which made me feel like a goblin, i allowed it only because i thought it was funny and might imply that i will be running into some good cash flow in the future! Green machine! the only problem here is that the money is multi-colored so i don't know if my body is still operating with USA poop or if i need to change my interpretation. (That comment is mostly for any who have read "running with Scissors")

Needless to say, my boyfriend is still ripping ass when ever the need comes, i giggle, say gross, and quietly battle my jealousy. It sounds and looks so damn satisfying! Its like stopping a sneeze from the other end! sometimes to exact my revenge, when i see he has to sneeze, i quickly offer him 1000 dollars to do so at that precise moment, mounting the pressure by repeating it quickly over and over, its the ultimate brain screw, he cant and then is thus left with the unsatisfying feeling that a fast, somewhat noisy, brush of air should have exited a part of his body. Diabolical! hahahah

why I hate sharing

Ummmmmmmmmmm duhhhhhhhhhh because it sucks!!!!! what is good about sharing? ill tell you absolutely nothing. I mean i can share certain things, water, space, clothes, people, time, whatever anything but FOOD!!!! It sucks! Especially if you eat food like napoleon attacked somewhere, with precision, ruthlessness, and thought! (maybe, i dont know much history) Like in battle plan I save certain pieces for certain moments, each bite is destroyed at my will and an empty plate will be my victory! BUT without fail every time i am about to take maybe that "best" bite, that last bite, or the bite you have been waiting for, I hear that voice (it might as well be the trumpet of the defending army!) that voice i love yet despise "can i have a bite?" can you? can you have this bite that i have prepared for me??? mocking me with the question format, as if i have a choice!!! Although i scream fuck no! he always gets it, manipulation people, its a sick game.

The only good think about sharing is revenge, you altruistic people might say its about making that person happy but lets face it if they wanted a sandwich then they should have made one for their god damn selves. Sharing revenge is very simple, you dont need to even be hungry because a bite is all it takes, i found that the last bite is particularly tasty, not the food, the pain, the pain you see in his eyes as he relinquishes that last rolo!

Ok ok ok fine I'll admit it, sharing is also good because that person might have something really delicious in the future and you can force them do give you a bite because you gave them a bite before, but then you better watch out cause they might use this bartering system on you next time you buy a really good donut or make a really good omlet! and it goes on and on, gets a little confusing as well. Because not only is it sharing but its also about what you CHOOSE to share, to slices of toast, one is the end part that everyone hates, the other, a middle (mmmmm yum) which one do you keep which on do you take. this is a harder choice then sharing, because this like sharing might come back to reward you or bite you on the ass, but lets face it, you take the good one! then you eat it as fast as possible before your boyfriend can finish the sucky one and ask for your last bite! which prolly wont happen because the better one was bigger so it takes you longer to finish eating it! you know what that mean!!!? you gotta hustle!

I think you understand my feelings on the subject, or at least my now you know i am a giant selfish fatty that hates the world and loves donuts! But in this large world, full of people, caring people, slender people, people with large hearts and more motivation to share......i find a boy exactly like me! diabolical!!!!!!!!!!! he might not admit it but i know he hates sharing just as much as me, he is better at it in some ways, but i think thats just cause i never really ask people to share, if i want something ill make it myself, buy it myself or have my own, so i dont really expect someone to ask me for mine! He is not that way, his mind automatically goes to sharing, yuck! and trust me he has a big bite. I usually use the feed to them bite method, place your fingers to the spot that you are willing to share to, dont forget position it so they get the hard part, or the crust etc. I will say in return he does always give up a a bite in return, and despite the fact that i usually don't ask i now go out of my way to have a bite of whatever he is eating, just so i can get mine right!!??

He is really bad at the "picking the best" category. He offered me some eggs yesterday. how sweet right? yeah right, until i went into the kitchen and saw that he was giving me a fried egg that somewhat resembled a shrunken deflated, yep ima sayit, penis. Well mister, that is exactly why i took the good bowl of pasta last night! you can see what a vicious circle this can become. Funny enough we each always make a smart comment, like "oh i see you took the better one" like we would have chosen the self-sacrificing path.

I really am trying to get better i swear! But its just hard when you are eating something delicious and he turns around to ask for a bite and you know its coming because he was looking at it with that look in his eye, but luckily he gets distracted by someones else's question and you can just quickly shove the whole thing in your mouth before he turns back around!!!! BREATH!

Needless to say i have become a really fast eater

even if we are eating the same thing he wants a bite! it never ends! and sometimes i can see him eating his meal super fast because he wants to take a bite of mine before i finish, and you know i have to keep up! so basically every meal becomes a face shoving competition with my boyfriend. Maybe one day it won't suck I have to say that i will always share with him because he always will with me, and i might hate it but i guess thats what a relationship is right? a bunch of sharing that you dont want to do but love is stronger then desire, or at least you make it

Farting boyfriends feminism

There are a couple of things i have wanted to write about my boyfriend for a while, one post i have in mind just basically rips apart and teases everything he has ever said, and thats true love but i think i will make this post about the two things i probably think about obsessively in this relationship, farting and sharing. you might think that these are two opposite things, and you would be completely right, and i agree, i have nothing to relate them, except that they are very much involved in my love life.

so guys fart, they are "allowed" to right? bs! everybody loves farting and why must i deny something so right and funny just because i am in love? to remain sexy? well that boat sailed the other day when my boyfriend did a crotch inspection of my underwear that i left lying on the floor, what can i say hes curious! well although that was embarrassing, i now have given myself free range to fart, ok not really, it is still a battle, he farts all the time but acts super surprised if i do! i have a butt right? i have an ass hole right? i poop right?? ok actually i say that i don't and i am not ready to give that one up so maybe thats part of the confusion, but thats bullshit! Women have to pretend that so many of their bodily functions dont exist! luckily we are allowed to pee but god forbid if i grow hair, fart, sweat, poop, smell, or have a period, i must hide it all!

So i will fart loudly for women everywhere! we can laugh too! its hilarious! sometimes it smells and thats a bummer (especially if you are in a really small place, like the un-ventilated back trunk of a car that you volunteered to ride in so your friend could fit in the car, and you only realize after farting was a bad idea because you first thoughts went to the fact that no one could hear you!), sometimes a little poop might come out, sometimes it might make a really loud trumpet sound, sometimes just air...........

i guess they are kind of like little jokes our body makes, some fall flat, some are great with timing (sitting on the stairs with with lails), and sometimes they are inappropriate, but jesus you must be allowed to make them! I think he is starting to come around, but dont worry ladies i will keep doing them, trumpeting the sound of freedom for the gas of females all around the globe! especially if you had a really funky dinner am i right? i dont think its beans, maybe some nuts and raisins, but i guess you cant make good songs out of those, some people who i will let remain anonymous, are really annoying because when ever they fart they talk about what they ate likes its some kind of excuse (MOM!!!!) and i think you should just be proud and fart loud, ooooo i could make t-shirts, i bet my sister would like one. I forgot that I was supposed to talk about sharing...... thatll be the next post, lets not taint this one.

GQR - Get Quick Rich

So as I awoke this morning, and I am sorry to inform my reader, with a cough! I, for the first time in ages found myself completely awake! god knows this will call for about a nap around 2 but none the less i was impressed with myself! I mean it was like 7:30! I made some tea to sooth my throat, ofcourse i am poor so I stole the tea from my new roommates, who this time is not a reference to my parents, even though my new roommates very well could be. Really really clean. Either way I sat on the couch in hopes that the 2-3 channels shown on my tv would be something interesting. To my surprise it instantly turned to a show where there was a cute boy around my age, dressed as a giant puppy and to say it frankly, cause i know this isn't being published and my aunt shouldnt judge me because its for the sake of comedy, acting like a giant tard. It was of course a childrens show, there was also a hot girl dressed up as a squirrel, wow i can say that word but i dont know how in hell you spell in, either way she wasnt meant to be hot but i could def tell because I am not a 5 year old, obviously they probably didnt think of the 22 year old market out there. Its kinda a shame because kids aren't really thinking about looks at that age, or hopefully not, so why do their characters have to be attractive? They are going to have unreachable standards by the age of 10 just because sally the squirrel had a banging bod! the characters should be old and ugly, cause thats the world lady and gentlemen. I guess old people maybe wouldnt have the young enthusiasm that these actors did, i wondered if they were happy, was this a part time job, are they hoping for stardum, are they using a fake name? Whats funny about this blog is that i have shared a couple of idea but i have yet to touch on the first thought that really demanded most of my attention. I kind of started on the ball that children are almost impressed by anything, they are stupid and slow, lets just admit it people! you tell them to put their shoes on and they pick up a toy and shove it in their mouth, they can barely do anything for themselves, and dont even think about dropping them, yep unlike baby monkeys human children have little to none reflexes, god i want a baby monkey, so delicate yet so sturdy! sorry where was i? children are easily entertained which means taht these shoes probably have a budget of absolutely nothing, big dog costume 80 dollars, plastic tree in back ground 10 dollars squirrel suit 80 dollars, so what we have spent 170 dollars on one episode that is all about teaching a puppy how to make friends? you know what that is? do you???? its all fucking profit! thats when it hit me, childrens show, get quick rich scheme! every one wants to do a funny how, an always sunny, a clever witty show, but lets face it children are easier to please! look at the teletubbies for gods sake! they had a vocabulary of sounds! thats no time writing script people! profit profit profit, so i thought time to do some more research i changed the channel to a different child show, this one almost cheaper then the last, two people a table some colorful boxes and clay. They sang a few songs, made some clay animals, i mean i could obviously see that they were secretly dying inside, it was sad, its like they didnt believe that the mother duck ever found her children, thats an inside joke between me and the show, also if you know the song. one last thing! the woman in this show was named justine! sign much???? it might as well have been two stacks of money talking and singing to children! as i sat there and rigorously thought what would be my show, my schtick, on of my 30 year old roommates walk in, i tried to quickly mumble that there was nothing else on, but lets face it my entire mind was concentrating on me in a shower of money, so it was more like i said nothing quickly turned it off and walked out. I feel better though because i just walked in there and now he is watching it, ofcourse he is studying so i think he just needs a background but i noticed that this show had people in animal costumes too, a monkey doing some kind of 70s dance, simple shit. So that was my morning, if you have any good ideas for the next big children show let me know because i will be drawing some plans and proposals soon

i am sure you prolly thought this would be about australia but beggars cant be choosers, unless they are secret millionaires, thats a show here where millionaires pretend to be beggars and choose someone to give a million dollars to! in that one case beggars can be choosers